Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Usual nonsensical ranting that doesnt make sense. Dont read!!!

Most of the things in life revolve around law of attraction. The desire to mate, the desire to eat, the desire to succeed, and the desire to do anything basically depends on how attractive that certain object is.

I believe love is one of those attractive things in life.

The stranger sitting beside you maybe share the same attribute of your boyfriend-the way he talks, laughs, shakes his feet about, or the way he puts his palms in his pocket when he is nervous but you could never feel the same about him they way you feel about your boyfriend . That is partly because your brain learns to distinguish the both of them as two different individual. You're brain has developed a halo around your special someone and thus making him look more attractive than the other person.

Love is just the thing of the mind.

This current person that you seem to have a crush on may seem much more handsome than any other guys you've seen, smarter than most men you've met, more appealing than others, and seems to be better than everybody else and that's because you're brain has decided to portray such images in your mind. Most people fall in love with the idea that they have generated around this special someone rather than with the reality. Hence, many have to live with the disappointment after discovering that this special someone is as ordinary as other people out there.

Many have told me that I've never experienced love and that's partly because I refuse to acknowledge it. I may be experiencing a crush based on idyllic images but I don't care what it is! I just want it to stop right now!!!!

Zeph focus on reality, reality, reality, reality, reality, reality, reality, reality!!!!!

I think I'm failing miserably. Help...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I am not feeling emo but just expressing!

For so many years of my life, I have this secret yearning to be blown away emotionally and mentally. Quietly, I have been yearning for that similar explosion in my chest that I recieved when first listened to Jamiroquai when I was 13 or Prem Joshua when I was in India. Songs after songs I seeked but I was left dry .Each time I get to lay my eyes on nature's magnificence, I anticipated for that automatic eye-widening experience followed by giddiness- but all I felt was calmness which disappointed me. I badly want to be awed by a good books like how I was easily awed by Shakespeare's lyrical metaphors, similes and beautiful hidden pictures when I was 16 but I am too cold for that now. I want to feel goosebumps and tears welling up in the corner of my eyes whenever I see beauty in any form again or experience one of those moments where passion runs you wild or lightheadedness that you get from experiencing something spectacular. But I think I have turned too icy, too analytical and too desensitized. For once in my life I yearn to be bipolar to feel the waves of raw emotions.

I have come to realise that such such mind blowing experiences cannot be anticipated and forced to be felt. It must hit you unguarded and unprepared, and only in that stance the emotions are allowed to swell within you and reached a zenith that will blow your mind away and leaving you awed. I was in a state of nonchalance when I was watching Encounters at the End of the World when suddenly I got goosebumps creeping up my body and tears welling up in eyes after countless days of embodying Sahara Desert. Then these goosebumps and tears came again and again like rolling orgasms (don't mind my perverse imagery). It was like a breath of fresh air after being cooped up in a windowless and humid room.

Encounters at the End of the World is a documentary that recites a tale of the animals and people that inhabit the lost world of Antarctica. A world so isolated that philosophers, intellectuals,vagabonds and scientists perceive it as their own Shangri-la. They created a society that wants to avoid society (my kind of irony ). Herzog (the director of the documentary) tries to resurface hidden treasures which are locked beneath inches and inches of ice and articulates that the creatures found at the bottom of the cold sea as sights more extravagant than Science Fiction and describes the experience of diving beside the bottom of the iceberg as spiritual as walking into a white cathedral. My two favourite scenes consist of a deranged penguin and seals singing the most inorganic tunes (it sounds like pink floyd).

What greatly moved me was these "silver bullet" or almost epiphanic moments- where philosophers and scientists utter ingenious quotations effortlessly or watching these spectacular scenaries while your ears are filled with Herzog's poetic yet calming speeches and haunting Gregorian Music. It's epic! He is brilliant in capturing the most bizarre and inspiring aspects of life as well as nature. He opened up my mind and made see world through the eyes of these wild vagabonds, mad scientists and humble philosophers. I learnt that there is more to life than living in these cubicles of your life such as your house, your room, your workplace, your school, your car and most importantly the tight cubicle of your mind. As cliche as this may sound, he is trying to tell you to think or more appropriate to live outside box. Ladies and Gentlemen, I beg you to give this doc a try.

Two of my favourite clips!

Monday, April 13, 2009

I fear Death!

Each one of us has certain mental problems that we could be aware or unaware of but never took it seriously.

Like some people have OCD but they never take it seriously or some people have unexplainable phobias. Certain people refuse to travel away from their warm and comfy home in fear of new changes, new people and even to an extent thinking that people want to murder them!

My visit to the clinic today made me realise that I do have a mental problem of my own- and it is thinking that I might have diseases that have been lurking quietly in me and waiting to surface one day and kill me with all the excessive surgeries.

I have always been afraid of needles, surgeries, medications, hospitals and such things that remind me that I am IMMORTAL! *GASP*

Like today, while waiting to be called by the nurse, I went through brochures after medical brochures and sucessfully convinced myself that I am unknowingly suffering from

On the brochures it said that Prenumonia can be contracted if you have been exposed to cold conditions and suffering from chills, fever, wheezing, coughing and such symptoms.

The other night, I slept with wet hair in a freezing air cond room. Now I'm having fever that is giving the chills and severe coughing. Could I be having pneumonia? = (

On the brochure it said that women who have been experiencing sever period cramps on the lower back and abdomen, discharging blood which is in black or dark red colour could be experiencing Endometriosis. I have been having those since 15. I think I have them.


Each time I pay a visit to a hospital or a clinic, I always managed to convince myself that I have 5 out of 10 diseases that they put on the wall for reading. The other day, I even thought I had HIV! Sometimes, I even thought I'm pregnant and it caused me sleepless nights just thining about it.

I have a chronic mental disease!

Monday, February 16, 2009

So what do u think?

What pops inside your mind when you see this picture?

What would you say if I say that this is Madonna twenty years ago?

I'm sure if you didn't know it was Madonna, you wouldn't give a rat ass about this picture except commenting on the massive pubic hair.

But the moment you found out it was Madonna, you will start giving an elephant ass on this picture. Being shock, hysterical, critical, skeptical and what not. I guess its human nature.

But that's not the point right now.

The point is, how do you perceive this picture or more appropriately to me, this work of art?

The first time I lied eyes on it, my brain whirred out a shallow comment which goes like this


Then I said, "WOW, NICE TITS!"

Then I said "Why does she have so much of hair on her body????"

Then Aminah came and said " Wow, she looks classy".

At that moment, it dawned on me that she does look classy in a natural way. No pretenses, no jewelery, no clothes, not much of make-up, and nothing to hide her flaws as well as her beauty.

She looks like a woman. Too many women are obsessed looking perfectly adorned to look beautiful but not many realise that being bare and truly raw once in a while is beautiful too. Let your bare eyes shine when you're happy and let your lips tell the story when you smile. No need for make-up, jewelry. handbags, designer products, perfumes to shout out your personality. Get dressed simply and just shine in your own way.

Let the smell of your shampoo and your soap to become your perfume. Let the colour of your eyes and the colour of your hair to be your crowning glory. Let the smile and the wrinkles on your face speak for yourself. I think it is really refreshing to not take your self seriously once in a while.

The model in this picture is not even looking at the camera in this shot. It is intriguing. It sends out the message that she is not even bothered about how she looks, or if the angle of her body makes her look fat or not. In fact, it makes me think that she doesn't even care if there is someone taking her picture or not, although in reality its the opposite. But in perceiving art, it is not about the reality but it is about how it moves you and inspires you.

And this picture is inspiring- at least to me.

In this picture, she is strong and bold in a feminist way. She deliberately grew out her hair for this picture (I assume and this made her sex-less for months too i think) or maybe she doesn't even have the habit of shaving in the first place, but its without doubt that the gorilla hair was intended. The intention is to serve up to many aims and ideas which i can't fully lay out or fully comprehend. I have my takes on the hair issues but its too long to type it out.

But I just want to know, what do you think of it? = )

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

3 things

There are three things that I thought I never had till now and they are Father figure, mother figure and lastly action figure.

Since I was young, I've always thought my mum unfit to be, well a mum. Married at such a young age and possessing an unalterable physical flaw has contributed to the development of my judgment. However as I grew out of my teenage mindset, I realised that a mother does not have to fulfill standard and typical requirements to be a mother figure. These typical requirements shall not be elaborated on as I like to keep them to myself. Over the years, I grew closer to my mum and accepted her as the way she is. I begun to love her and understand much more than I ever had. It was then that I realised that my mother is a figure that is a challenge to sculpt. I know, beneath all the tumultous facade she potrays, she is a perfect mother.

Then comes my father. Unlike with my mum, I never got the chance to fully appreciate him as he is. Since young and till now, I have always had a hard time with him. I was always wishing he was gone just so that I can have some peace and freedom until he was actually gone. Just before I say anything else, I would like to clarify that my dad is a superb dad. The only thing that bothers me so much about his is that we can't communicate. Talking will turn to shouting and shouting will inevitably lead to awkward silence that would go on for three days. But the moment I found out he hadn't come home for days I freaked out! Anger invaded firstly, and then fear and then worry and then love. I never knew how much I loved my dad till that moment. I cried and cried and cried on my pillows. Words that never have been said to him kept on recurring in my mind and were just waiting to be said to him when he gets home. At that moment lying on my pillow, was the moment it broke all my assumptions of my dad being an inadequate father figure. In fact, I have always blamed my dad for my childlike and clingy behaviour which I often impose upon my boyfriends.

The reason behind this dumb theory is that I have never felt pampered or doted on when I was a child. I was always expected to talk like an adult, eat like an adult and etc. My dad was seldom at home to dote on his kids. That's why whenever I have a steady boyfriend, I tend to turn them into a father figure. Amir is experiencing this first hand and he hates the fact that he is being a father more than a boyfriend to me. With that theory aside, I just wanna conclude this story about dad by saying that I have always had a father figure but I took him for granted.

I had to be far away from him to be close to him. I am thankful that I have learned this before *touchwood* he actually dies.

As for action figures, I overlooked some files in my memory. Halfway writing this post out I remembered that I had an Ultraman action figure that I so so so loved. I showered with it, slept with it and even ate with it. I was a big ultraman fan.

It looks like my internal dilemma is finally solved. I do have all those three things afterall.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I hate titles!

Just posting this short post in between my revision.

I learned something new today which is love doesn't necessarily come with respect.

You may have loved or have learned to love someone, but it does not mean that you respect your loved ones with the respect he/she truly deserves.

Love is anything but emotions.

Love does not work on love alone. "Love" is based on trust, commitment, compromise and understanding.

That's how I percieve it.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Mood Swings

I swear I hate being a girl sometimes. I don't know if its my craziness, my hormones or chemical imbalances in my brain, but I have been having serious bouts of mood swings! I'll be crying one time and then getting angry the next. It bothers me so much early in the morning when it strikes the worst.

Poor Amir. He has been sooo patient. any idea on how to overcome hormonal mood swings?