im sorry for the lack of update, like usual rite, because i've just shifted!!!
I have my own ROOM now! so privacy leh! never felt like an adult before, and i feel different with having my own room! Shall post some pics if i have the chance. But the only setback is that, we dont have a phone line in that house, so we kinda like, cut off from the society! haha
Okey apart from that, my last paper would be on this monday, eventhough im not "merdeka" yet, but i feel like i dont have to sit for exams anymore, because i've sat for all the important subjects, and bio is not that important to me, but i still need to study and that is the hardest thing to do! i just wanna, sit back, read tonnes of books, buy tonnes of puzzle set and just finish up the puzzles.
Nevertheless, i cant, coz im not done with spm yet. -.-
Apart from SPM, old memories or more like" expired" memories are being evoked now by somebody. Things and emotions of the past (like being in a relationship), are coming back to me in spite of myself. Those feelings are totally dead now, but somehow it's coming back to me, and i dont want it back. I hate having the feeling of hope, but at the same time mixes with the feelings of despair and anger.
L.O.V.E is fucking hauting me. i dont need love. i just need P.A.S.S.I.O.N! not love, just PASSION damnit!
I'VE JUST DONE MY LITERATURE EXAM! I have overcome my biggest fear. My heart was pumping extra hard today!
I tell you, I finished the whole whole booklet with scribblings of my handwritting. I even finished 5 more extra papers! Dun say im lying ok! i wrote front and back some more okey?!
When i first opened the paper, the first question i saw was Compassion Circuit. This story is some sort like A.I, and the question was the hardest to my point of view. I've never done it before, i mean the stucture of the question was the one i've never done before.
so *zefer starts scribbling rubbish*
Looked at the time, i finished exactly 35 minutes! very proud of myself *pats myself on the back*
Second question: Novel River Between
Question asked: Irony! circumcision.
Wtf? irony?! i never came across irony in this novel before. Lucky thing, i read the last few pages and i saw i wrote there irony!
*zefer starts scribbling like mad till hand hurts and knuckles turn blue*
3rd Question: Drama Romeo & Juliet
*zefer looks at the question, and blinks herself into obvilion.
Gave a text from the book, and asked, did two families get punished as ordered as the prince?
I blink summore and it hit my head. It was the last few lines in the book, when everybody died! Sedih betul...so talked about death as punishment not from prince but from fate
so *zefer starts scribbling as her handwritting got even messier and cakar ayam*
4th question: We are seven
asking about the different view of death of a child and an adult.
So i have done this before.
So *zefer scribbles into madness*
I tell you, the question was not exactly how i expected it to be, but it was okay. My presentation was bad for romeo and juliet! First comes, Juliet, then Romeo then Mercutio(owh i love that guy)
then Romeo, Paris then Juliet! i tell you...terrible!
BUT! IM SO HAPPY I MADE IT THROUGH THE PAPER! and i miss my lite tuition friends. I straight away called them! They were DUDE! (**&^&*^&(&* (shouting and screaming)
Never felt this kind of joy! LoL~!
Family..What is family? i can't comprehend the meaning or the structure of this institution. I never feel like i belong to a family. I feel like i belong to myself, and my family are random people who live with me. Pretty sick huh? Here is the complete profile of my family, mayb would understand why..
DaD.Name: Rosli Ibrahim
Occupation: Full time Sarcastic fish/ critisizer/ businessman.
Hobby: play golf, drink like mad, irritate me with constant criticism.
Position in the Family: Leader of the family.
DOB:5 Augt 19.. i dunno when
Age: 53 years old
-Dad is the person who changes his mind constantly. Very unpredictable and never knew him. Never understand his actions. Fails to understand and comprehend. Therefore, gave up in knowing him.But one thing, generous with money.
MuM.Name: Zarina Ibrahim
Occupation: Full time drunkard, irritants to my life.
Hobby: Eat, sleep, read, and if u get to guess this, i'll give u 100 marks! its....DRINKING!
Position: None played.
DOB: forgotten..
Age: 36 years old.
-Mum was the person who gave me false hope by saying "I will send u to Australia, no matter what". I, reluctant at first but been force to go. However, when i was enthusiastic about it, my dad objected. It was all because she didnt discuss with my dad. Upon hearing my dad's decision, she gave up on me. What a great mom. Lives in denial in trying to deny her Siamese heritage. In spite of all the denials, she calls her thailand friends everyday, and swear in Thai everyday. In addition, blast Thailand song whenever she steps into car. Visits the Siam market once a week.
Brothers.Eldest Brother.Name: Rizal Rosli
Occupation: Dad's heir to the business legacy.
Hobby: no idea, never knew him
Position: the centre of the most family critisicme. Probably because married and cares alot for the other side of the family.
DOB: forgotten
Age: 29 like that..
-This brother is around 13 or 12 years older than me. Since i was a kid, never really get to see him coz he started working at the tender age of 17. Rarely see him, because he is married and lives his wife. Duh! Therefore, i rarely talk to him too.
2nd eldest Brother.
Name:Mohd Rehan Rosli
Hobby:Work out in the gym
Occupation: manager or something
Position: Part time raging hulk/emo elmo. Brother with funny in meaning wierd personality.
DOB: 9 July 1981.
Age: 25
-The brother who flirts alot and aimlessly. Can be pretty nice. Often talk to him, coz he still lives with us. Not bad overall. Bonded in certain times.
Eldest Sister.Name: Siti Hazelina Rosli.
Hobby:Entertaining her cats
Occupation: Cat breeder and princess! hehe
Position: A well played sisterly role.
Age:21
-The sister who can be pretty hard to understand and predict. But could also be easily understood and predicted too. Balanced personality. Closest to among all the family members. Shares sisterly love.However, seldom at home.
Younger Sister.Name: Siti Aminah Rosli
Hobby: Laughing like mad, burying her head in useless articles in the internet.
Occupation: Student, and full time obstinate and refuse to shower.
Position: Cant recognise. However, constant headache to me. Could be pretty ok sometimes.
Age:12
-The sister who tried to grow up some much, but still in her tender age. Cant really talk to, unless i have something to say or something to ask. Can be a pain, but can be okey. Really obstinate untill i feel like choking her.
Youngest sister.
Name: Siti Zaharah Rosli
Hobby: Watch anime, memorising all the japanese anime introductory songs and also scripts.Full time eater.
Occupation: Full time eater and being a loyal customer to McDonald and Pizza Hut.
Position: The youngest in the family and centre of adoration.
Age: 6
-The sister who cries at every single thing that happens. For instance, she wanted to play under the rain, but the rain stopped instantly she stepped out of the house. End result, cried like mad and got angry with the clouds. Fool! haha..
Probably, u can see why i feel
isolated, or mayb not. But i do feel
isolated and i dont understand the meaning of family love and the role played by each member. Blagh!
SOMEBODY SCREW ME BIG TIME! PLEASE! WUARGHHH...I CANT STUDY SEJARAH! IT'S SO STRESSFUL...haihtoo many things to do, within such a short time...help...im helpless
I am so tired of u! What is wrong with you? You blurt out whatever u say without thinking about other poeple's feeling. I think you have a Low EQ. I dun need u to be a great therapist, but i just need u to think before saying anything. Everyone is sick of u in this house. Just because you have the position is this house, doesnt mean you can say and do whatever you want.
Cant you see im struggling with myself? U have never been there for me, never tried to ask me of my problems, but instead you point fingers at me, and accuse me of things. Cant you see, im trying my best? But all u can say is im not good enough. There is never a way to please you, so i stop pleasing you. But i have never been rude to you. I Dont ask anything from you, i dont bother u with anything, but why do u act like i owe the world to you? I am just a lil headstrong, i stand on what i think is right, and you know that. Just because of that, you seem to pick on me.
I feel isolated in this house. You never pick on anyone except for me. U never pick on hazel, for a reason i dont know why, mayb because you're a coward and you treat her differently. You never bother about aminah and her studies. U never dared to pick on anyone else, except for me. ME ME ME!.
I hate it. I have been deceived and im having a hard time. I am struglling with myself, i am struggling with my mind, and im struggling because of you. Just because you dont see me studying, doesnt mean i dont study. I never ask of anything from u. I never ask for a car, i never ask for money. But all im asking is just for education, but u never seem to give me the security that i needed. You make me feel like im a standing on fine strand of thread. Nobody has ever tried as how i've tried, but just because im experiencing some low moment in my life, doesnt mean im slacking. I am a girl with big dreams, i've planned of what i want to do. However, i have been deceived with pretty dreams, and i slacked.
I know it's all my fault, and im paying the price now. It's an expensive price, and im bearing it alone, by myself. I hate myself because of what i have done. It hurts me alot when you come and add more salt to the wound. You shouldnt have. You expect me to open up to you, but u have to learn to put aside your pride and realise that trust need to be earned. Even from someone who is so much younger than you. I dont need materialistic things. I just need your support, understanding. motivation, and security. That's all im asking for. I have nobody to turn to, and all i hope is that, you could realise the situation that i am in now, and give me the support that i need. I need a humble fatherly figure, not a coach or a proud dad. I just need someone human for a minute, to understand and trust me. What could i do to deserve that?
i miss blogging pretty badly, have always wanted to blog, but it's either im too busy or i have nothing to write about...but now i do...
It's 10 minutes to 7 am, and im planning to go to school and enjoy my last assembly. Im gonna miss school so badly, and sometimes it hurts to feel that way. I feel sad about it but i cant cry. I think its not about the matter of sadness, but it's the matter of fear. I've been schooling for almost all my life, duh! and its time now i leave and venture into something new. I've my family, but it's time for my family to go apart and pursue thier dreams. Some have done well, and im very proud of them, and some still stay the same but it doesnt matter.
It's time i break from my old routine and adapt to something new and to changes...Nevertheless the saddest part is losing my friends. It's somehow hard for us to stay together when we leave school. It's not the same, but hey that's human life. We change and we adapt. Sticking to that something for life will make it even worse.
In this post, i would just like to apologize to my frens. im sorry if i have ever been so harsh, stubborn, aggressive and bitchy. Sometimes when i look back, i have had some of those experience and quite lots of them too. I feel bad about it now, coz i know i could turn the whole situation around. But what to do...i miss u guys so much. I hope i'll see you guys today...i miss gavrila most. She's my guardian angel..well gotta run and get ready for school...bye!
I have realised something that i am missing in my life. I lack
Passion. I am not passionate. Believe it or not, there is nothing in this world that I am passionate about. Well there is one thing that I am passionate and that thing is dancing. However passionate i am in it, i never put effort in it. I am wasting a big part of myself.
When i hear a song, i can imagine the choreography in my head. I would straight away figure out the concept and the theme.Then i would imagine dancers executing it with the style that i have in mind. I hope i can be more passionate about it now.
Secondly, i am most passionate in
thinking and figuring human's emotion. I think too much and i think about everything. When someone buys a fake coach bag but they bring them around to mamak stalls and what not, it gets me thinking. I would think, they probably buy the fake coach bag obviously because it is the brand
Coach. Everybody knows the brand Coach and you probably buy them to show people that you are wearing the ever so famous Coach brand and you're not missing out on the trend. However, to pull off a Coach bag, you need to dress up to the standard of someone who can own a Coach bag. I am just trying to find the motive why they buy the Coach bag in the beginning. Do you have any idea?
Thirdy, i am most passionate in
animals. But i have no idea how to help the animals. I think i should scratch all the passionate words that i have used, because passionate means having or showing great excitement and interest into a subject, but i am nowhere showing my interest and excitement into all those matters. When i am not passionate about something, I am losing out on the factor of success. To be able to become successful, one must be passionate in the subject of one's interest. But i lack in all those criteria.
Lastly, i know i have passion for
literature and
Shakespeare. I just can't contain myself whenever i see anything of his work. However, i dont know why i can't throw myself maniacally into literature and feel the words and enjoy the plot. When it comes with responsibility, it kills my passion. I don't know why i am so phobic of responsibilities. For my new year's resolution, i shall include passion as a factor i must practise in my daily life. Along with good habits.
I got to go and start developing passion and excitement for
Biology now. Bye bye.
I looked at my watch and the time showed half past eight. My plan to bury myself into books distorted as soon as i heard my mom's voice. She shouted " Who would like to follow me to 99 market to buy some milk?". I rushed out of the room and glad that i had some reason to skip "study session". Besides, i am hungry and i need to buy some food
I thought to myself feeling slight hungry and energized. I knew studying would just be too difficult while I’m feeling slightly high. Therefore, I went with my mum on a hopeless ride just to gain cheap entertainment. While on the way home, I bought some Nasi Lemak to feed my hungry self.
While eating on the dinner table, mum, dad n bro enjoyed their supper too. Suddenly, dad kicked my feet under the table (as a sign that he would say something untrue and would ask me to agree with him). He said
“We (hazel, Zef, papa, n Suff) went to the botanic house and hazel said she would like to have the room upstairs instead of the room on the ground floor as planned. She said she didn’t like the room, therefore she exchanged with Zefer room and Zefer agreed.
I responded to the fake remark and said “ yeah, she wants the room upstairs. So I agreed to exchange.”
Mum looked at me with disbelief. My dad and I stared at each other n held back our laughter. Dad added fire to coal by exaggerating the same fact n dialogue. My mum got pretty angry as she doesn’t like her daughter to be taken advantage of and started being sarcastic.
She said “It’s okay Zefer, it doesn’t matter. Let your BELOVED( she stressed on it) siblings pick whichever room they want first and you’ll just take whichever room is empty. You have got to respect your brothers and sisters. They are typical malays, always fight among their siblings for property. Let them be. Besides you’re going to Oz next year, so you don’t really need a room”, she ended her speech with much sarcasm and pretence.
My dad responded quickly by saying “ Since when I’m letting you go to Oz?”
Mum stared with disbelief at my dad and said “What? She is not going? Why can’t she go?”
“She can’t go unless she has proven me worthy through her Spm results. Why should I send her to Oz to waste my money if she cannot study and score her Spm? It’s like I’m sending Mamat (my gardener) to Oz and study” retorted Dad.
I was taken aback and tears swelled up in my eyes. “But I really want to go”, I answered weakly.
“You give me 6 or 7 A’s first then only you can go”, dad snapped back.
I picked up my plate quietly, threw the leftover into the dustbin and walked up to my room with sheer disappointment but along with strong determination. Dad has somehow injected spirit for me to prove him wrong, but deep down inside I know I’ll never be able to prove him wrong. I have only 20 more or less days to study and I have lots more to catch up. I resorted to plan b.
Just study in Sunway for a year, then afterward fly off to Oz. At the back of my head, I imagined Pooi yee’s face felled with disappointment and Michelle’s face in utter shock.
Yes people, u read it correctly. I might not be able to go to Oz next year. I’m Sorry from the bottom of my heart, in fact I am working hard to prove my dad wrong. Instantly, as I got into my room, I sat down to study. I hope I would be able to achieve 7a’s. Wish me luck guys and I’m really sorry.
I noticed dat i am person who must divert my attention elsewhere to prevent myself from thinking too much about myself n get bored or depressed. Preferably i like to call myself who always looks for new things to try and new hobby to take up. When i had bf n gf, i din need to look for a hobby, as most of my attention has ben diverted to that particular person (it is in my nature, that's why i make a great gf *wink wink* hahaha). But since i've become single, i had too much attention to myself n i just found my new obsessions.
I never liked any band or worship any bands last time because i dunno why. But since im single, im growing insane for Jamiroquai. I like the band for quite sum time already, but never obsess about them. My obsession is sumthing like mich's obsession towards matthew but not that extreme lah. It's freaky to me sumtime.
Secong thing that i obsess most at the moment is my snow cap. I lurve it so much, n i bought it just to prove my loyalty to Jamiroquai, coz Jay kay likes to wear em too! hehehe
there! myself with the hat...
My third obsession at the moment is(is or are?) classical books...i dunno why but im crazy over classical books, by D.H Warren, Oscar wilde, Jane Austen n what not...pretty lame but it's cheap n fun to read! seriously! it saves ur money, n rite now im searching for To kill The Mockingbird. Still searching...
The fourth obsession is myself...when im single i think a lot like how i used to when i was single. When i have sum1 it's hard to think of what i hate n what i like, how the world goes round and other millions of things. I love to sit down n think. I think (there i go again) im like Ally macbeal or sumthing...i think of the wierdiest things n my imgination goes wild. When i am single, i am more sensitive and observant to things or people around me. I would observe people around me n think deeply about it. The feelings are totally superb, u'll get so absorbed into urself even noises and distraction will be pushed out. Im in another state of conciouness. hehe overreacing lah..Tak seserius itu..
