Sunday, October 29, 2006

poem...

i came across this one poem written by Sylvia Plath and it is called Mushrooms. In the poem she was just talking about mushrooms but if it were analysed even further, she was actually talking about the world war 2.

I think she was using the metaphore or imagery mushrooms as us humans becoz of it's known qualities. Mushrooms are adaptive and easy to grow, just like us humans. So why dont u read n try to tell me what u understand by the peom. I cannot find the analysis anywhere.

Overnight, very
Whitely, discreetly,
Very quietly

Our toes, our noses
Take hold on the loam,
Acquire the air.

Nobody sees us,
Stops us, betrays us;
The small grains make room.

Soft fists insist on
Heaving the needles,
The leafy bedding,

Even the paving.
Our hammers, our rams,
Earless and eyeless,

Perfectly voiceless,
Widen the crannies,
Shoulder through holes. We

Diet on water,
On crumbs of shadow,
Bland-mannered, asking

Little or nothing.
So many of us!
So many of us!

We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,

Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiplies:

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot's in the door.


do u understand it? i know i need the dictionary by my side to understand the rough meaning only...blah..

Thursday, October 26, 2006

This is more like me...i like blogthings..but pretty understated

Your Career Personality: Independent, People-Oriented, and Fun
Your Ideal Careers:

Bar owner
Bartender
Cheerleader
Event promoter
Flight attendant
Marketing consultant
Motivational speaker
Personal trainer
Real estate agent
Talk show
host
The Quick and Dirty Career Test

random stuff again....quite true though

You Should Rule Saturn
Saturn is a mysterious planet that can rarely be seen with the naked eye.

You are perfect to rule Saturn because like its rings, you don't always follow the rules of nature.And like Saturn, to really be able to understand you, someone delve beyond your appearance.

You are not an easy person to befriend. However, once you enter a friendship, you'll be a friend for life.
You think slowly but deeply. You only gain great understanding after a situation has past.
What Planet Should You Rule?

Random stuff....again...

Your Five Variable Love Profile
Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is medium.In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.You've loved, lost, and loved again.You have had a wide range of love experiences.And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.You know a relationship is not about getting your way.And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.
The Five Variable Love Test

random stuff...

Your EQ is 140
50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.

71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.

111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.

131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.

150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.
What's" Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

"showstoppers"....as if

We in the car, we ride slow
We doin' things that the girls don't do
The boys stare, we smile back
All my girls in the rainbow Cadillacs, yeah

*wooops* reality check!

-we're in the car, yupe that's correct! so checked!

-we're riding slow, n yeah we did(that's because we have no license)! so checked.

-We do things that girls dont do. we gotta scratch that, coz we, involves me, benny, n mich. Benny is not a girl. But we did sumthing that most people wont do, which is driving to subang parade WITHOUT LICENSE!.

-The boys stare n we smile back? probabyly the boy did *teehee*(yeah they did in my head)

-All my girls driving the rainbow cadillac? Girl u gotta scratch the cadillac coz we only have gen2 to drive.


Wanna know the real deal? Benny, mich, n i thot of having dinner yesterday nite. We kept on thinking of the best places in klang to eat, but maybe we thot we were too extravagant for klang eat shacks ,therefore we risked our lives and drove all the way to subang without license.

It was definitely fun partly because of the adrenaline rush and the rain! And again because of the adrenaline rush! i've never done anything impulsive! But it was good. it was good. N i've learnt one lesson, which is; Benny and i are horny lots. We dont know why, but we are. We kept on talking about sexual stuff. But we're just teens without flooding horny hormones!

REALITY CHECK AGAIN!

My spm is the next month, less than one month to be exact and im already acting as if my Spm is already over. So guys pray well for me so that i would do well for my Spm. I gotta go n study now, while the mood is still around. Wont be blogging as much i think, but i'll be around. Cant bear the temptation! Toodles!

Monday, October 23, 2006

R u worth it?

This question has been swirling in my mind non stop since yesterday..wait scratch that, not yesterday but early morning today. I kept asking myself, how much do i worth? it doesnt matter in what form, it could be in currency form, or treatment form or any kind. Probably u dun understand what im trying to say here, so i'll elaborate.

I've been thinking, if in money wise, how much do i worth? if sumone were to buy me, how much would i cost? A person like me,( who is short but with great personality), would cost less than a million, or millions or unbuy-able?(shit, english bad). However if u look on the flip side, i could be the other way round, ugly, dull, pimply, hot-tempered, lazy, and rebellious. If my worth depends on those circumstances, how much would i cost then? If u still dun get what im trying to say, in a nutshell: i still dont know how to put a value to myself.

If not in money wise, how much do i deserve? Meaning, what kinds of things and treatment do i deserve? do i deserve someone who is educated, rich, english speaking, and well brought up? or do i deserve someone who is probaby lower than middle class, not english speaking, not educated (i mean sum1 who din go to college) ? Do i deserve the first one or do i deserve the latter eventhough just as friends? This thing is so complicated, so let me tell u the real deal.

Okey, i went to Jack's place a few days ago and i noticed this one waiter. He is pretty cute and thought he was some hospitality student doing his internship at the restaurant. Therefore, i thot he could speak english pretty well and has sumthing going on in his mind. After a few minutes, he approached and striked a conversation, asking about my parentage and what not. Well i found out that he was pure malay (he doesnt look like a malay), and not english speaking, not uni or college educated, but just an average malay joe that i can find anywhere. I know straight away that he is not my type.

He let me resume to my meal but before i left he passed me his phone nomber and e-mail add. I checked him up on friendster using his e-mail add and found out he is just like any other guy who wants to have fun. I could message him and treat him only as a friend, or i dun need to message him at all thinking that i dun deserve such people in my life n it's high time i take my worth seriously. What do you think? I think it's high time i act a bit "lan si" and only accept certain people that deserve me into my life.

The guy is not my only problem, the problem that im having at the moment is setting up my standard. I need a standard in my life. I believe people shouldnt take me lightly and take me for granted anymore. Not anyone could. I need to realise how much i worth and therefore only accept things that are worthy now. I dun want some sloppy and lazy joes anymore. i want sum1 who is driven and someone who appreciates me. I dun want to recieve such mediocre or lowly treatment because they cant afford it or they couldnt be bothered to give it to me. I want to know what my life really worth and i dun want to be seem easy anymore coz i know i deserve sumthing more.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

ACHTUNG!

ATTN : THIS IS A DESPERATE CALL FROM ME TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND ACQUINTANCES! VISITORS ARE NEEDED TO LIVEN UP MY HAIRY HARI RAYA! DO COME AND LARGE SUM OF ANGPOW WILL BE AWARDED. THANK U! = P

Saturday, October 21, 2006

"Auntie, nak duit raya!"

Raya is coming and i love the festive season. The anticipation is always sweet but when the day has eventually come, it feels like crap. It is not as festive as it should be for few reasons.

First of all, i dun balik kampung cox my dad hates going to his sibling's house (except for those that live in klang) coz it's pretty dirty and unkept. Secondly, our cousins and his siblings are typical malays. I dont know why it's really bad, but it is bad to me. Racist issue i think.

Secondly, we dun go anywhere. My family would wake up, shower, give angpau, forgive each toher and then sleep till evening. Apart from that, we would have to tend those kids who will "ting-tong" on our house non stop till we go out and give them angpau. They r such brats.

Thirdly, they are no visitors to our house except for those small kids that "ting-tong" non stop and shout out loud "AUNTIE, NAK DUIT RAYA!". No frens, no relatives, no nada. So u see..it's nuthing festive about hari raya in my house.

So do u want to come to my house and make it all festive? please do...my raya is really dull and boring...

Thursday, October 19, 2006

'Zefer, who do you idolize?'


I kept telling myself that i need an idol. I dont know why, but i need to. I find it to be very important because this question which is "Zefer, who do u idolize?" is so common and i cant never find the right answer to that. Some would say, "My idol is my mum", i wouldnt pick my mum as my idol as she's a drunkard and i dont really find her personality rocking...So im gonna have to pass her...

Some would say, "Oprah is my idol", well Oprah used to be my idol, because she is the only female hero of our time. But i passed her anyway, coz i dun think she's any great. So i went on on my secret journey of finding my own idol, and yesterday it strucked me. When i watching "i shouldnt be alive" on Discovery Channel. So Ladies and Gents, i present you my IDOL ; CHRIS MOON! u must be thinking who the heck is this guy...But i'll leave u in awe once u have finished reading this post...i'll try my best to keep u interested and reading. So here is his pic



So do u notice the hook on his right hand? Well there's a story behind it...So let's move on.

This guy here is still alive, surprisingly after what he has been through. He is from the Great Britian, and he did some degree and graduated. After he graduated, he felt the need to help the unfortunate and to carry out community work; therefore he joined the Royal Army Academy. As a good soul, after his training in the academy, he volunteered to clear minefields in war-stricken countries. He went to Cambodia to perform his duty. While he was on shift, the militants from Khme Rouge, which was a guerrilla force hiding in Cambodia forests captured him because he was in thier territory and thinking that he was an accomplice with the national army.
He was captured for 4 days. Four gruelling days….I admire him most for his strong set of mind, cunningness, and selflessness. While he was on seizure, he had the chance to run away by using the river path. He had a battle in his mind, but conscience won. He could not leave his driver and interpreter to die without him. So he stayed.Later on, the militants brought him to their headquarter deep in the jungle. While he was there, he put up a brave face and insisted on meeting with the commander, and he got the chance to.

Once he got to, he buttered the commander’s arse with flattery and praises. He negotiated and in short he was let go. But there was a catch! He is suppose to leave the territory within 24 hours using a jeep. While he was running for his life, another group of militants seized his jeep. To be able to leave the territory, he walked for 10 hours during the dark with limited water supply. In the end, he survived. The ordeal that he had to face in the past did not deter him to clear another minefield in Zimbabwe.

While he was on duty, he stepped on a bomb, and he lost his right leg and right hand. During the moment, he said dying was easier to do than struggling to keep alive. However, he kept strong and told himself that he wants to grow old and see his niece grow up. He wants to see his brothers and sisters got married, therefore he held on.

He eventually reached the hospital by helicopter, but by then his blood pressure was so low, that the doctors were so amazed that he was still alive. The doctors said he shouldn’t be alive, but I think the willpower to survive in human beings can out power even the impossible.


Even though he has lost his limbs, he joined the Sahara marathon race. The race goes on for 6 or 7 days and u have to carry your own food, drinks and other necessities It is known as the hardest marathon track course and he did it so that he would raise $100 00 for charity. He doesn’t stop there; in fact he is still running for marathons. As career wise, he is a businessman and a motivational speaker now. He is a man with many outstanding qualities; I wish I can marry him.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

i believe...

People…I just came up with a theory after much thinking about the people around me. So the theory is; there are two kinds of people in this world. There are the ones that attract happiness and there are the ones that won’t be happy till the end of their lives.

I just watched Oprah and they were talking about this one lady who has been shot in the head but survived. It’s tragic but she survived and she seems very very happy. After that show, I believed, if you want to be happy, you do have the choice to make yourself happy. Nothing in this world can stop you from having the rights to make yourself feel happy. Besides, you can find happiness everywhere, but it’s up to you to open up your eyes in different perspective to find happiness.

Meanwhile, I know this one person and let’s name this person W. W always complains to me about W’s life. How W’s life is always busy, hectic and full of shit and crap. But when I think about why W feels sad, it was because W look for the problems in W’s life.
W doesn’t think bout his well-being, W doesn’t do what would make he feel happy. I guess W never wants to feel happy but that is ridiculous! Which human being doesn’t want to feel happy rite? I guess W does not look at the happy side of life, but instead locks himself in misery.

Apart from that, I have my relatives as perfect examples. For the rest of their lives, they always whine about how unfortunate and poor they are. They are always surrounded by problems and they are always unhappy. But when I think about it, they never have the initiative to improvise their lives. They are always lazy, living in their ego and think highly of themselves. They turn down job offers, because they think it’s not worth it, but what choice do they have? They prefer to starve than to work.

But in the end they suffer. I wonder why. I hear many of this quotations, it goes like ‘fortune only comes to selected people, but not to people like us’. Let me clarify who are us, us are the people that live in the Bronx and always surrounded with gangsters and bling-bling crap. I hear that line to many times, and I find it stupid. Those are just excuses for people who are defensive and insecure.

I just hope people would broaden up their minds and look at things differently. I mean always think differently, change your principles sometimes and experience different kind of thinking and emotions. Explore the world with your mind…feed your mind with different ideas. It’s like food to your soul. Sorry if it’s too long.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

i have a dream....

have u ever had any of those dreams where you find yourself still caught in the emotions of your dreams?

or have you ever had any of those dreams where you find yourself you could control your dreams and alter it the way that you want it to be?

The first type of dream is called The Epic Dream while the latter is called The Lucid Dream.
These two kind of dreams are the most common kind of dreams that i get and i just had an epic dream and the feeling is indescribable...it still lingers till now.

Okey so the dreams goes like this, well i dunno how it actually got started but all i know that i got married. It was not the joyous kind of marriage, but i felt like i had to do it and felt contented. Besides i knew the groom for a very short time only. i was married with a nice diamond ring and i know i really adore that ring.

However i met this one guy. He looks rough around the edges and he's foreign. He is masculine and mysterious, not the type that talks alot. Despite all that he has so many layers in him. i dunno why i started travelling with this guy, but i did and he took care of me really well. i was really touched that i had someone to take care of me, and i had someone for comfort. before i knew it, i was in love. i was so in love with him and my husband knew about it, so he got really dissapointed. it was hard for me to make my decisions but i knew so well that i wanna be with the mysterious guy.

He is just so mysterious, so alluring and so manly, so quiet that i know i just wanna have him for myself. i just knew that i gotta be with him and i know i have got to treat him right. That is just how strongly i felt for him, but as time goes by, he dissapear slowly from my dreams, it was not intentionally but i had new dreams coming in that i lost him. Untill now i can feel the emotions that i felt in that dream. i could still feel being in love and in need of someone. i could still feel being cared for and loved for unconditionally.

i think the dream is reflectiong my current emotions at the moment. And I think it is reflecting what i really look for in a relationship which is care, support, understanding (since he's so quiet, so i presume that he agrees with whatever i said) and protection. Those are the things that i long for in a relationship i think. what do u suggest?

Monday, October 16, 2006

messed up...

i am not really messed up though, but gotta type sumthing out to prevent myself from getting anymore entangled with the dangerous web of my problems!

Spm is just around the corner and i kinda promised myself to study my butt off for a month, and after that i could enjoy myself. i was so motivated when i was away from my house, but when i came back, i had the bad energy. Totally, i think this house has got a bad energy for sure! Bad Feng sui! Shoo evil spirit.

Apart from that, im confused still. i know i have moved on, but im still hoping. Let me repeat! HOPE FUCKING KILLS! she goes acting like she is in need or sumthing. Acts like she's depressed and suffering, but it's actually the other way round. i think she finds pleasure in her suffering, but sumhow she's throwing it on me. GO AWAY! AWAY! AWAY YOU GO! i should stop hoping. Like mich said, the only way for u to move on is by really hating that person and put them last in your friend's list. I gotta write a dear john doe letter. haha. well i think i just gotta accept her as part of my life that has happened. I gotta accept her as the past and never bring it into the future. She's killing me! Things that i should remind myself to do

1) never check her friendster, coz after everytime i check it, i get totally pissed!
2)never bother to message her
3)never bother to think about her eventhough as just a fren
4)never bother bout her. Duh! obviously
5)lastly, remind myself im such a pathetic to think about her the way that i do. she doesnt deserve me. shooo

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

addmathS!

scream out loud coz tomorrow its addmaths paper two...im pretty nervous for it though..very nervous...sumhow i must pass this paper, if i dun i feel like a total sore loser! seriously! learnt a new lesson which is NEVER MISS ANY TUITON! haha pretty too late for dat already...but it's ok...im really really worried...*going crazy*

Sunday, October 08, 2006

L-E-A-V-E!

haiyooo...i've moved on but why do u have to come and ruin it all AGAIN? Not fucking again...im sick of this. i want out. i've moved on from you, but why do have to call me and give me hopes? i hate hope! hope is the biggest evil in this world! HOPE SUX! Hopes keep u moving but it kills you! NO HOPE! God!

ZEFER STOP FUCKING HOPING!

okay, dat feels much better! i think i noe what i should do already! STOP HOPING! oh my god....Hope Fucking kills! Let's fucking hope kills her, but not me! ish! grrrr...im angry!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Puzzle

Like a puzzle you are,
Messy and scattered.
Indecisive and weak.
Put yourself together dear puzzle,
and help me fix the broken puzzle
that I already am.

Like a puzzle you are,
Unreadable and unexpected.
Your mind is so complex,
Impenetrable by my feeble mind.
I beg thee, dear puzzle,
Please put yourself together
and leave me alone.

I ever so longing,
to put you together, dear puzzle.
You used to give me a thrill with your mess
And I used to love your complexity.
But not anymore, dear puzzle.
Go and fix yourself together
And give me your picturesque view.

You will no longer have the key to my heart.
You lost the key deliberately,
Therefore you lose my interest and heart.
You are no longer my hobby, dear puzzle.
Find someone else to fix your messy body
And leave my vulnerable heart to heal.

Luv,
myself.

Friday, October 06, 2006

lessons of life

A lot of things has happened to me for the last one week n i've learnt a lot from relationships to downright studies.

Lesson no 1 : Like i've said before, karma is a big bitch and better take care of her feelings before she gets mad n ruin u're entire life. She's mean and powerful, but she brings justice into this world. So it's pretty fair. *wink wink*

Lesson no 2 : Never panick when u r under stress! Haha this happened to me during the exam week. Had a lot of things to study, but got too stressed out n panicked. N once u've panicked ur mind will get cloudy and ur hands will start to sweat. Instead of reading what u're supposed to read, ur mind will be more focused on " is this coming out for exam?, is that coming out for exam?". it's quite a waste of time really. If only i hadnt think of what's coming n what's not, i would have read the notes with ease, n mana tau the one that i skipped came out for exam.

Lesson no 3 : Blood is thicker than water. My family is the biggest pain in the arse but they're the sweetest people (sumtimes) too. I dont know how to deal with them, because i know i dun like to listen to them, but they can be right sumtimes. So i reckon, u can fight as much as u want, have as much argument as u want, BUT never betray them!Never turn your back on your family BECAUSE no one can help u out as much as your family can! so ALWAYS LOVE and APPRECIATE them

Lesson no 4 : Happiness comes from small things in life. Happiness must come from sincerity and simplicity. Those kind of happiness are the long term happiness. Not some high from sugar, drugs and stuff. To be able to be happy, u must learn to smile often. Secondly you must view life with much optimism and positivity. Understanding is the right key to happiness. Understand and comprehend life around you, and u will be well understood.

Lesson no 5 : i've learnt how it feels to go through a bad break up and how to overcome it. The healing part of a break up is the hardest part. U cry cry cry, n ur heart keeps on breaking and bleeding till one day, ur heart will tell u, im so sick of this, so lets turn on a new leaf! Never underestimate the power of human emotion. It's unpredictable. At least to me.

Lesson no 6 : I've learnt 2 let go and the real meaning of letting go. U cant let go just because u want to run away from all the problems and u think it can solve all ur problems. No it wont. U can only let go when u've really realised what ur heart is trying to tell you, and only let go with full understanding of the situation. It's hard for me to explain, but i think there is so much layers to letting go n only experience can make u understand.

karma

i dun believe in karma untill recently. i guess relationships teach me a lot of things about life. My previous relationship has taught me karma. "what comes around, goes around", "what goes up must come down". How i treated my exe's, i got it back from my previous relationship. Well i can say that, im quite 'hati kering'...dumped him for another person n never valued his feelings. Besides i think i was pretty mean to him, just because i want to seek my own happiness. But that's me, i have the right to make myself happy. Well let me tell u sumthing my fren, the happiness din last long till karma struck.

In my previous relationship, we parted because of a third part n my love life story is exactly like a chinese drama that u see on tv. Forbidden love, we love each other but cant be with each other. This and that n what not. It's very dramatic but wudda heck, i learnt a lot from it. So people remember! Karma really exist, the way how u treat people determines the way how other people will treat you back. Wat u've done in the past will come back and haunt u down. Overall what u give, u get back. I've paid all my due-d karma and life has never been any better. = )

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

keep a smile a day, it will keep the doctor at bay.

Learn the magic of a smile,
it makes your heart sore like little cupid
make you fly high into sky
with great ease and grace.

Learn the magic of a smile,
it turns dark to light
tears to joy
and hatred to acceptance.
Learn the magic of a smile
when once you have,
happiness surrounds your mind and body.

I have learnt the magic of a smile,
it mend my heart with its simplicity
and made my heart sore up high with dignity
keep a smile a day,
and it wil keep the doctor at bay.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

from the bottom of my heart

from the bottom of my heart i wanna thank hazel, for actually staying here. i mean her presence along with her bf has been such a great company. i dun have to worry about being alone in my room, n get myself so bored. every morning i always have someone to talk to n laughed with. it's a great thing to have companion...im a golden retriever. i need frens or not i'll get sad = (.....woof!

Monday, October 02, 2006

letting go

I thought letting go would be the easiest thing to do...just set your mind on letting go n keep on mumbling the word 'let it go, let it go, let it go' n soon it would go away. Tried that n it never worked. The only reason i cant let go of her, is because i din realise i was not ready to let go. Half of me doesnt want to let go. I was still hoping she would come back to me. Half of me still believe that she will be mine no matter what. Half of me still believe that i can make her fall in love with me again. Mayb she does love me, but under some circumstances, she cannot love me. She believe that loving me n hurting me at the same time would be selfish. I guess she is doing the right thing by avoiding me, so that i would stand on my own two feet n move on. I guess she loves me, that's why she does that to me. She doesnt want to make my life miserable.

i finally understood the meaning of letting go in this relationship. i cannot attach myself to her as a fren, it will wreck me. it will ruin me. there is no such things as being good fren after the break up. it's just not meant to be. i think i know i should do now

I should
1) stop hoping
2) should stop living in denial believing that i cant make her come back
3) start hating her for the moment so i can get over her
4) erase every memory of her in my life till i've moved on
5) stop showing her that i care, because i really do.
6) stop thinking of her
7) stop believing, because belief is like hope. I should stop hoping

You give me sumthing~!

The title means nuthing...Just title of my fav song...im rocking the house! im over with my stupid depression...Everything just turning out fine...i guess so at the moment...I feel like im on top of the moon! whee...IM so glad to feel this way..i think tv worked it magic on me....

i dun want to think about the past...the past should stay in the past...im a selfish bitch n i should stay that way! muahaha nobody deserves my tears~! muahahaha.....i have plans working out in my mind, n it made me feel good~! U! yes you! should watch out for my come back! im gonna make u flip 360 degrees...im gonne make u flip flop like the slippers that im wearing now...hahaha im sorry im just crapping with happiness....

IM JUST ONE HAPPY BITCH AT THE MOMENT....tOODLES