Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I am not feeling emo but just expressing!

For so many years of my life, I have this secret yearning to be blown away emotionally and mentally. Quietly, I have been yearning for that similar explosion in my chest that I recieved when first listened to Jamiroquai when I was 13 or Prem Joshua when I was in India. Songs after songs I seeked but I was left dry .Each time I get to lay my eyes on nature's magnificence, I anticipated for that automatic eye-widening experience followed by giddiness- but all I felt was calmness which disappointed me. I badly want to be awed by a good books like how I was easily awed by Shakespeare's lyrical metaphors, similes and beautiful hidden pictures when I was 16 but I am too cold for that now. I want to feel goosebumps and tears welling up in the corner of my eyes whenever I see beauty in any form again or experience one of those moments where passion runs you wild or lightheadedness that you get from experiencing something spectacular. But I think I have turned too icy, too analytical and too desensitized. For once in my life I yearn to be bipolar to feel the waves of raw emotions.

I have come to realise that such such mind blowing experiences cannot be anticipated and forced to be felt. It must hit you unguarded and unprepared, and only in that stance the emotions are allowed to swell within you and reached a zenith that will blow your mind away and leaving you awed. I was in a state of nonchalance when I was watching Encounters at the End of the World when suddenly I got goosebumps creeping up my body and tears welling up in eyes after countless days of embodying Sahara Desert. Then these goosebumps and tears came again and again like rolling orgasms (don't mind my perverse imagery). It was like a breath of fresh air after being cooped up in a windowless and humid room.

Encounters at the End of the World is a documentary that recites a tale of the animals and people that inhabit the lost world of Antarctica. A world so isolated that philosophers, intellectuals,vagabonds and scientists perceive it as their own Shangri-la. They created a society that wants to avoid society (my kind of irony ). Herzog (the director of the documentary) tries to resurface hidden treasures which are locked beneath inches and inches of ice and articulates that the creatures found at the bottom of the cold sea as sights more extravagant than Science Fiction and describes the experience of diving beside the bottom of the iceberg as spiritual as walking into a white cathedral. My two favourite scenes consist of a deranged penguin and seals singing the most inorganic tunes (it sounds like pink floyd).

What greatly moved me was these "silver bullet" or almost epiphanic moments- where philosophers and scientists utter ingenious quotations effortlessly or watching these spectacular scenaries while your ears are filled with Herzog's poetic yet calming speeches and haunting Gregorian Music. It's epic! He is brilliant in capturing the most bizarre and inspiring aspects of life as well as nature. He opened up my mind and made see world through the eyes of these wild vagabonds, mad scientists and humble philosophers. I learnt that there is more to life than living in these cubicles of your life such as your house, your room, your workplace, your school, your car and most importantly the tight cubicle of your mind. As cliche as this may sound, he is trying to tell you to think or more appropriate to live outside box. Ladies and Gentlemen, I beg you to give this doc a try.

Two of my favourite clips!




Monday, April 13, 2009

I fear Death!

Each one of us has certain mental problems that we could be aware or unaware of but never took it seriously.

Like some people have OCD but they never take it seriously or some people have unexplainable phobias. Certain people refuse to travel away from their warm and comfy home in fear of new changes, new people and even to an extent thinking that people want to murder them!

My visit to the clinic today made me realise that I do have a mental problem of my own- and it is thinking that I might have diseases that have been lurking quietly in me and waiting to surface one day and kill me with all the excessive surgeries.

I have always been afraid of needles, surgeries, medications, hospitals and such things that remind me that I am IMMORTAL! *GASP*

Like today, while waiting to be called by the nurse, I went through brochures after medical brochures and sucessfully convinced myself that I am unknowingly suffering from

1)Pneumonia
On the brochures it said that Prenumonia can be contracted if you have been exposed to cold conditions and suffering from chills, fever, wheezing, coughing and such symptoms.

The other night, I slept with wet hair in a freezing air cond room. Now I'm having fever that is giving the chills and severe coughing. Could I be having pneumonia? = (

2)Endometriosis
On the brochure it said that women who have been experiencing sever period cramps on the lower back and abdomen, discharging blood which is in black or dark red colour could be experiencing Endometriosis. I have been having those since 15. I think I have them.

3)Denggi


Each time I pay a visit to a hospital or a clinic, I always managed to convince myself that I have 5 out of 10 diseases that they put on the wall for reading. The other day, I even thought I had HIV! Sometimes, I even thought I'm pregnant and it caused me sleepless nights just thining about it.

I have a chronic mental disease!