Tuesday, January 20, 2009
3 things
There are three things that I thought I never had till now and they are Father figure, mother figure and lastly action figure.Since I was young, I've always thought my mum unfit to be, well a mum. Married at such a young age and possessing an unalterable physical flaw has contributed to the development of my judgment. However as I grew out of my teenage mindset, I realised that a mother does not have to fulfill standard and typical requirements to be a mother figure. These typical requirements shall not be elaborated on as I like to keep them to myself. Over the years, I grew closer to my mum and accepted her as the way she is. I begun to love her and understand much more than I ever had. It was then that I realised that my mother is a figure that is a challenge to sculpt. I know, beneath all the tumultous facade she potrays, she is a perfect mother.
Then comes my father. Unlike with my mum, I never got the chance to fully appreciate him as he is. Since young and till now, I have always had a hard time with him. I was always wishing he was gone just so that I can have some peace and freedom until he was actually gone. Just before I say anything else, I would like to clarify that my dad is a superb dad. The only thing that bothers me so much about his is that we can't communicate. Talking will turn to shouting and shouting will inevitably lead to awkward silence that would go on for three days. But the moment I found out he hadn't come home for days I freaked out! Anger invaded firstly, and then fear and then worry and then love. I never knew how much I loved my dad till that moment. I cried and cried and cried on my pillows. Words that never have been said to him kept on recurring in my mind and were just waiting to be said to him when he gets home. At that moment lying on my pillow, was the moment it broke all my assumptions of my dad being an inadequate father figure. In fact, I have always blamed my dad for my childlike and clingy behaviour which I often impose upon my boyfriends.
The reason behind this dumb theory is that I have never felt pampered or doted on when I was a child. I was always expected to talk like an adult, eat like an adult and etc. My dad was seldom at home to dote on his kids. That's why whenever I have a steady boyfriend, I tend to turn them into a father figure. Amir is experiencing this first hand and he hates the fact that he is being a father more than a boyfriend to me. With that theory aside, I just wanna conclude this story about dad by saying that I have always had a father figure but I took him for granted.
I had to be far away from him to be close to him. I am thankful that I have learned this before *touchwood* he actually dies.
As for action figures, I overlooked some files in my memory. Halfway writing this post out I remembered that I had an Ultraman action figure that I so so so loved. I showered with it, slept with it and even ate with it. I was a big ultraman fan.
It looks like my internal dilemma is finally solved. I do have all those three things afterall.
by Zephyr at 12:47 PM |
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