I know some people can't stop feeling morbid but I'm the other way round. I constantly think about pregnancy. So instead of thinking about death, I constantly think about rebirth. Im not trying to imply that I'm some kind of new-age chic, but it always make wonder. What if I get pregnant out of wedlock and especially at this kind of age? A teenage who have just tasted freedom and have a whole lot more of ambitions to achieve out there? Will I want to lose all that?
When I think about it, it send shivers down my spine. I feel empty and hollow whenever I try to imagine myself having a baby. I fear the disappointed looks on parents face upon hearing the news. I fear smelling the anesthetic smell of the hospital and and at the thought of lying down on a hospital bed in preparation for abortion.
Sometimes I think, it would be a bold move if i ever decide to have the baby. But when I think about motherly responsibilities, loss of trust by my family, loss of dreams and ambitions, I fall back on the idea abortion. However when I think about abortion, it scares me to the roots.
I can try to be receptive to what ever kind of emotions. When I put myself in anybody's shoes, I can learn to feel whatever emotions that person is feeling. Doesn't matter death, morbid, anger, confusion, or anger but never the feeling of being a young teenage girl carrying an illegitimate child inside her. So it has always been, I can never understand the feeling of conceiving a child and the joy it brings. Everybody seems to want a family and children but I never have the desire to do so.
I guess I'm defect in that way. The idea of pregnancy has always been wondrous to me but at the same scary. The pain of child labour especially puts me in a weird state. I always wonder why do humans still want to have kids eventhough the pain of child labour is excruciating and the level of responsibilities is high? It always make me wonder why...Probably it's our instincts. Yet again, maybe its our animal instincts.
It makes me wonder also why humans still want to repocreate even though we tend to be creature of negativity? I mean for example it's easier for humans to think negatively instead of positively, so why do we look at child-birth as a joy instead of a burden? Why only at that single moment we defy our negative nature? Why only at that single state we feel secure and safe at the thoughts of having kids even though we know that there are a lot of rooms for complications and death along the way? We do we change so much when it comes to pregnancy? It amazes me how we humans feel towards childbirth.
We humans are anxious and cautious creatures rite? Before we do something, we'll think the whole thing thorougly but why when it comes to pregnancy (only when we are legal to do so) we throw cautions into the wind and become ever optimistic and bright creatures? Isn't it natural for humans to back away from death, pain, and responsibilities but why is it when it comes to pregnancy we always say "No, it's allrite. God is on our side. We will do allright and the baby is going to be fine". I also realised that it is the only point in life where we totally rely on god and spirituality.
Only at that what point we wholly thrust our hope on God even to those who never really worship and secure thier beliefs in God. Only at one point, which is pregnancy, a start of a new life we humans change more than we thought we do. We change so much without realising it.
Another thing that I can't comprehend is, how humans can look at life the same way after child concieving? I feel like pregnancy or giving way to a new life is totally a surreal experience. We're bringing new life solely from our collobaration of power: men and women. We bringing something so precious and fragile into the world. We're bringing individuals into the world. We're are changing the world in so many ways. How can we still look at life indifferently?
It is the wonder of God. It is the wonder of male and female combined. It is pregnancy. *shivers*
I was in Lit class yesterday and usually when we have discussion, it really makes me think and eventually my head will get mixed up.
Miss.C (lit lecturer) said she can't stand boys who cries, and even worse who cries in public. I disagreed and shouted "what's wrong with that?".
Then I realised, Women are not the only gender that is pressured and being treated unfairly, but Men too.
Haven't we heard such lines where "Big boys don't cry'?
But what a minute, It just dawned on me that Men only face pressure to be manly and masculine. That's their only pressure.
Aiks...I thought I could take up some pity on my fellow male species but I have none. Probably next time. LoL~!
Anyways that's not the matter. When we study poems, we learn about the different type of poems and the different type of poets. First we learned about the Romantics. Romantics are known to be on the extreme of doing things. When they want to do something, they will do it passionately. They hope for the new generation to be different and the look on the power of human beings. It goes something like that. (go and google it up people)
For your more info, i googled them up for your enlightenment.
Romanticism
An early 19th century, pan-European movement in the arts and philosophy. The term derives from the Romances of the Middle Ages, and refers to an idealization of reality. In the late 18th century, it came to mean anti-Classical and represented a trend towards the picturesque and the Gothic, and a love of nostalgia, mystery and drama (e.g. Walpole, Beckford and
Fuseli). By the early 19th century it had been broadened to include: an enthusiasm for, and awe of, nature; a political support for liberty; an emphasis on the individual as a unique creative being; opposition to, and fear of, industrialization; an interest in the exotic and primitive; nationalism; and a dissatisfaction with life and a desire for new means of artistic expression. This breadth of meaning has led to the definition of Romanticism as a 'feeling' and very little else.
I was taken aback by this romanticism and I thought I could relate to it coz the following reasons; im impulsive and spontaneous but at the same time emotional (u may not see the relation of my attributes to the romantics, but i can ok? so dun laugh)
Anyways, we were studying a play called the translations and there is a character in the play that is a romantic: Who follows his heart rather than his head. However when I read the notes, it says that his romanticism has brought him his death! I was like 'WHAAA??'
what's wrong with following your heart and what's wrong about being a romantic? I asked Miss C about it and she said "No, sweetheart. Everybody needs balance in their life. They need logic to make decisions in their life".
It so dampened my fire. It totally contradicts what she said before this. I totally believed her when she said being a romantic takes a lot of bold and courage. But now she said being a romantic will bring you other consequences.
To be or not to be, thats the question. But I guess I'll stick to the melodramatic romantic that I am and be proud of it. I may not have enough logic in my life in order to make decisions, but I rather stay being gut-driven. I think it would make me happier.
Anyways, Im sick of what other people think is right and what other people think is wrong. I guess I'll be an anti-social and live in my own hippie world. I need opium!
Have you ever noticed when you were or are in school, the guys talk about sexuality openly meanwhile girls try to shy off from these conversations and act all puritan about it? Like when guys say something about masturbating some of the girls would have the ick look on their faces or would most probably wail out the word 'yeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr' or "eewww, damn disgusting lah you people".
Sometimes, when one or two girls join these conversations, most of the girl will shoot looks of disgust towards these two girls and start indulging themselves in vicious gossiping sessions? I've been the open-minded girl and I've been the puritan. I've been both. Don't say I'm a hypocrite but I am just sexually confused, and mainly because of our non-spoken rules about sexuality in our society now.
Guys are pressured by peers or society to run around and plant as much of their "seeds" as possible in vaginas meanwhile women are pressured to be the "gatekeeper of sexuality". Funny isn't it?
Example when guys were younger, it seems okay for them to play with their genitals while urinating and when it comes to girls it seems "dirty" and "obscene". Isn't it right?
The same goes when it comes to masturbation. Guys talk about masturbation almost all the time and it seems that they do it more than the number of time they talk about it? They at least do it once a week. However, when it comes to girls she sends off the message as 'slut' to other people.
So doesn't it seem like our society thinks girls are not entitled to have sexual pleasure as guys can? We talk about gender inequality and I feel this is one of them. A discrimination but not an intentional one. I feel like it's just unfortunate girls fall into these traps because of our ancestors who believed the only worth in the girl's life is her virginity. It's no longer the same girls, so just go out and demand for your sexual pleasure and rights. *wink wink*
Sad to say girls still do not know how important their sexuality is; how much freedom they should be entitled to and not to fall under this "puritan" image that girls think they should adhere to. I have few friends who thinks being sexually active and healthy is wrong. She finds it irksome because girls should have an image to live to. This is rubbish. I reckon go for it but play safe and another advice is: do keep all the details to yourself.
Sexual liberation is for all girls to enjoy. Don't be shy I say. The more you know how much you deserve the safer you are from this "goal-orientated sex game". Meaning, when it comes to sex most guys know only about grinding and shooting semen. They find it a goal to do this. Most of the time, girls fake orgasm because she thinks it's not important as her partner's sexual satisfaction. They fall under the trap where they believe they have to have sex in order to gain love and loyalty for their so called "special significant" one. Rubbish!!!!
Not being comfortable with our sexuality draws us to much much more problems. We fall into this web of confusion and guilt when we do dive into sex. We believe we are being immoral and being "sluts" when we derive pleasure from it (pre-marital sex). We feel guilty and we feel we're worthless. You would have to feel this way if you do live in the 16th century. Now we live in the 21st century, so do not fall into these trap I believe.
I had a good talk with Terri and Brendan about sexuality. Both of them have the same opinions as I do about sexuality. We love sex and we're not shy about it. I used to be shy to talk about sexuality but I am longer the same. It's either you like or you don't. It's either you agree with my opinion or not.
It's just like this, it's okay for guys to swear but it's not nice for ladies to swear so much coz she seems unlady-like or just plain rude? I don't see the difference. I do not want to fall into these image where a lot more decency is expected and required from girls but not the same to men. It's just the same like it's okay for every guy to become a player and fuck every girls but it's not nice for girls to go around and have sexual pleasure just for the sake of liking it?
Doesn't it seem like our society look down on girls to have sexual pleasure just because they like it and they enjoy it? However doesn't it seem like our society does not object guys being promiscuous and to having sex just because they enjoy it? We're so twisted.
Guys can scoot free with everything meanwhile girls have social code to adhere to. I shall not comprise my rights and entity to sexual pleasure because of what our society thinks. I am who I am; the person who thinks sex is a natural course in life and nothing to be ashamed of. Word of precaution: Do play safe. Winkz!
Fiona is my post still too long?
However I do respect girls who thinks abstinence is the best way. You believe it for many reasons of course and this post is not directed to you. This post is for those confused, judgmental and two faced girls out there when it comes about sex. They act all puritan about it until it makes me sick but they turn out to be the other way around. Seriously.
I believe I am like a kid. Or maybe yet, I want to be like a kid. Not so much as pure like a kid but as innocent as kid. Innocent in a manner where I am new to emotions and experience, but being as a kid, I never want to be afraid to venture and delve into them carelessly.
I never want to rush into feeling these emotion such as, going out clubbing with friends late at night and probably getting drunk in a friend's place, spending a night out with a cool bunch of friends. I was never allowed to go out at night and I think I am still not allowed. But I never tried rushing doing all these things back in secondary school. I never tried to sneak out and do things illegally. The thrill may be there (and that would be an extra point), but its not as thrilling when you actually get to do it with no worries.
Doing things such as riding in car with friends at 12 o'clock in the morning, feeling the hype and getting all drunk in a friend's house. Being like a kid, I got very excited. Trying so hard to taste freedom in it's own way, trying to let the feeling of emancipation (to me at least) sink in.
But i guess, when you know you are actually legal to do it and nothing will stop you from doing, it kills the excitement. I guess the thrill is no longer there and this is what I call human nature. We look back and forward, and pine for what we have not. We never miss the water until it's gone or we want something that we cant get, but when we get it it loses it novelty. This is so us, Human. To always feel greed and constant yearning for new possessions regardless materialistically or emotionally. It's Ironic.
On Sarah's birthday, I was out with friends late at night. It suddenly dawned on me that I am late out at night and I am driving a car and holding a license to total mayhem and chaos. The exhilaration however was not there. I looked at my watch and it indicated 12 am and the only feeling i got was "Oh, 12 o'clock".
It was certainly a wet blanket. I wanted to feel how a child would feel and not how an adult would feel. When adult goes out at night with friends it feels like a norm to them. They look at the watch and say "owh, the night is still young. No worries."
However when it comes to a child, they would say "WOW it's 12 fucking (i know a child wouldnt swear, but a big kid like me would) o'clock! It's impossible! I can't wait for the next things to come! I wonder what would happen. I can't believe my luck. *squeals in delight*".
You get what I mean now? I used to get jolts when I see night lights in the cities. I feel like "wow this is how the night life would look when I get to go out someday". I really loved looking at night lights coz when I was younger I always dreamt of driving around the city with a bunch of friends, looking hot, loaded with money and hanging out at Bangsar or Kl for a drink. Just wanna live the high-end life of Yuppies.
Therefore it was a total disappointment when my dreams actually came true but that child-like amazement and innocence died. I was being like "yeah, I am an adult now. I will get more of this soon".
However, despite all that I tried injecting some child-like spirit to relive the moment. The magic wore off after some time. That was why I slept so early instead of having a blast with my friends at a sleepover. Dang.
My total idea of blast is an experience without inhibitions. I do not want to feel the surroundings around me. I do not want to feel what is stirring inside of me but instead I want my imagination to run free and throw my guard off. That's why people think I am impulsive, unpredictable and wild. I want to feel the emotion firsthand. Without regrets, without thinking about the consequences, without worries. I just want it to be raw and real.
Writing about this just made me realise something, I experience all of these things when I do spontaneous and unplanned thing. It made me also feel like I would have had a better time if I would gather the courage to go to Genting Highlang since it's already so near that night. If i were with Yeong Ren, I knew i would have done that. Nevertheless, anticipation is sweet! We shall go and do it one day Yeong Ren. We go stimming.
I just realised also, my blog is so syok sendiri. I write whatever I like. I just scribble. I guess it all boils down to you. If u wanna read what's going on in my head, go ahead. If you don't want to, just leave. What am I talking about? you already have the rights to do that and probably have done it. Silly to say such things...*smiles*
It is easy to compete with others. Emotions like jealousy, fear being dubbed as losers, or simply being fiery could make you pick a suitable candidate to be your competitor. For example, in each arena of my of life, I could pick up a competitor accodording to my own eyes, and compete with her/him silently. If I think she is somewhat like me, who has the same capacity in that certain arena, I would pick her out as an opponent and I would compete. If he/she does better in something, I will definitely keep track of her progress and I will try to become better.
I.e : In secondary school, I have a girl whom I thought has the same intelligence capacity to excel in academics. Silently, I record down her performance and eyed her every movement. In the end she left school after PMR.
I.e : In sports, I am lagi lagi KIASU! So kiasu until its so easy for you to hate me. Everybody is my competitor. Even the ones in my own team. What to do...It's something that I like.
But what about competing against yourself? You keep on wanting to do better, you keep on wanting for a better result, you keep on wanting to do the best that you can. Competing with myself is the hardest task I've ever tried to do.
I can't fight the devil in me. I sink in my own vices. I listen to my own misleading voices. When the alarm clock goes off, I continue to sleep. When I know I'm already late, I still take my time to shampoo my hair, and when I know I've not been touching my books for 3 weeks I still blog and talk on the phone for hours.
Why am I so weak to myself? Why can't I stop from over-indulging myself and since when "Ignorance is bliss" has become my motto and tagline?
Why couldn't I care a shit anymore? This is a serious syndrome. Had it for SPM and I regretted it. Having it for A-levels but nothing is changing.
Discipline is the answer. But what if discipline has been non-existent since the day you were born? I live in a family where we are discipline-less. We love indulging ourselves.
I hope God will save my soul.
I have not been home for days as I have been staying in Hazel's house. Hazel's house means no food. To acquire food someone would either have to buy the ingredients and cook or if you prefer the fastest way just call and order. Or not just drive the car out and try your luck to find cheap and tasty food stalls which they have none in Damansara. This is the only reason why i adore Klang ; lots of chinese tasty cheap food stalls scattered on busy dirty klang road. Hence comes my idea that Klang people are the best eaters. They know every crook and cranny to find the best food. Besides our land is blessed with heavenly as well as orgasmic seafood and of course the ever sinful oily Bak Kut Teh.
Mamaks are also everywhere. In other word ubiquitous (just trying to make full use of my limited vocab). It's hard to find mamak in Damansara. If I do find one it's not as good as the famous one in klang which is called Modern. I am sure all u klang-nian agree with me that Modern is the tastiest mamak around, and not to be fogotten the cheapest too.
Recommendation: The tandoori chicken is to die for. Give it a try! *delicious*
Anyways in Damansara, it is dumped with high class expansive cafe's or restaurants that doesn't live up to it's prices. One bowl of pasta Rm22, or one plate of sandwich causes me around Rm12. Haiyoo damn expensive. It's not that tasty anyways. It's only expensive because it comes in big portion but who could eat it all up when it tasted so plain and grey (I couldn't find anymore adjective to describe it).
Mamak in damansara is pretty bad as I have mentioned before. All I can conclude is this: In damansara every place is decent but the food is really really costly and it doesn't taste good at all. Besides it's hard to find real Malaysian food such as Laksa, or chicken rice or Claypot Yee Mee in Damansara. To eat such food I would have to go to Hartamas Square and the price is just Okay-Okay. Not to be forgotten the nearest and biggest foodstall to my sis's apartment is the food court in Midvalley (so far as I know of). Probably, to find good and cheap eatery it would be in KL. However, thinking about traffic jam, sesatness and difficult parking spot I'd rather starve.
I miss my filthy polluted Klang because of the food! Food Food Food! You would have to live in Klang to experience this appreciation for food! They are also so so so cheap! To my point of view the best place to eat is in Klang. U jakun non-klang-nian would have to come here and I'll direct you to best eateries.
Note: Proabably you've not known this, but I just love foodstalls! No foodstall meaning no life. Therefore Damansara lacking of foodstall = lacking of life to Zefer. I become flaccid and languid in Damansara. I am no longer spoilt for choice.
Besides I just hate these high class expensive eateries. I don't know why but they are not my cup of tea. Call me a trishaw puller or a cina-pek, but i love going to crowded food stalls and putting one leg up on the chair with my hand on it and the other hanging down. You know like the one you see uncles do in Kopitiam? Yeap thats the one. Sometimes I even prefer sitting cross-legged on those plastic chairs. The whole picture is not complete unless Zefer could guffaw out loud and talk in high-pitched voice. That is enjoyment to me. Good food, crowded foodstall and hooligan-ish manners. Muahahaha I just love the picture. Wait wait! It is not complete yet till Yeong Ren opens up his mouth and crack me up with some stoopid jokes.
To Yeong Ren: Dei when r we going for our eating expedition again? I am losing weight already! We must become the Klang-nian that we are! haha
At last I am home based. Never knew how much i miss the sight of Klang. I missed the busy Indian street, the stupid long traffic light, the dusty sight of Klang. Klang holds this old charm. It's not dirty but it's not as clean and well planned as Damansara or KL (kl???). It's just like Penang. Small, congested with cars, and lined with old buildings. You can take the girl out of Klang but you can never take Klang out of the girl. Klang is my childhood. I have been living here all my life man! How can I not miss this underworld?
I just came up with another theory as I popped a small cubic heavenly brownie into my mouth. My sis in law loves to bake 'em and give some to me as she knows how much I loveeeeee it. It's so unique. Besides it's grade A chocolate brownie. No compromisation (is there such a word) on the quality and the taste. It is all hundred percent CHOCOLATE.
Anyways, as I was eating it I thought I could pack some for Roy to taste and soon the image of being a good wife came to my mind. I imagined myself cooking with lots of love for my future to be soul mate (dun get me wrong, this soul mate could be anyone and not only Roy okay?) and I thought how I would be a great cook. I am gifted with great cooks as family members (but not be forgotten zany and disfunctional too). My grandma was a meticulous cook. She strips fish a certain way, cook the rice with certain techniques and even cut the bawangs with certain ways. She doesn't compromise on quality and mainly because my Grandpa is a fussy eater. He needed the food to be of a standard before he could eat it.
She passed down the recipe to my Mum and my Mum being a gifted naturally-talented cook fired away all pots and pans to creat gastronomical Malay dishes. She is in my opinion the best person to ask for Malay dishes' recipes.
Then there is my dad. He is not a good cook but he loves to cook. He will create something out of anything. Pretty much creative but sometimes his food tasted gibberish.
Then I have Hazel who could be my partner in cooking and my sis in law is a natural born baker. She bakes the best cheesecake, brownies, and cookies. I used to remember when I was really young and whenever I see her face I think of cookies. I'll beg and plead for cookies! She will of course bake the cookies for me!
So there! If you have ever wondered why Zefer is so plump or obese (up to your liking but personally I find myself curvaceous) , I guess I have justified your questions with the reasons above. Don't you wish you could be like me? Muahahaha!
I am not lonely in fact I am happy with my single life. I am sipping it away slowly, like sipping a good americano coffee in Starbuck during rainy days. Satisfying and warm. That's how I feel when I am single.
I love walking around in shopping malls alone. Love eating and watching movies alone. I think I am a good loner. I love my presence and company. In whole, I'm complete. I complete myself. However there are days when I am totally bored and felt suicidal! That explains the stitches on my wrist.
When I am in love it get tempestuous and hazardous. I can feel the perpetual heart beat of mine racing and pulsating. It wrings in fear and doubt. My mind aches thinking about what's wrong and what's right. It hurts when your heart misses someone and it hurts again when you heart feels like it doesn't belong anymore. Then dread creeps in and you have to force yourself to break off the relationship despite how sympathetic you feel towards the other party. The truth is you can stay in the relationship just to make the other person happy but you cant force yourself to remain loyal if you don't feel the love anymore.
But what if, you're caught in between? Sometimes you don't have the heart to break everything off even though you've realised that the future is bleak. What if you still feel love for that person but that person doesn't satisfy you as much as you have expected him to? What if after all the time spent with him you still yearn for a good conversation and hope to feel a connection or some sort? In the end of the day you just feel empty.No stimulation! No satisfaction! No bond! No nothing! Nada! Elek!
Despite all the the disappointment and emptiness that I feel generated by him , I still don't have the guts to shake this guy off. Probably because of the little fondness that I have towards him. Maybe because of his effort and generosity. Prolly because there a lil twinge of hope in my heart that still feeds my fire. Maybe....Maybe....Maybe..My head is clouded and my heart is filled with thousand ambiguities. To make matters worse he won't be here anymore. He's flying away and never to come back in a long time.
So do you think this relationship will bear fruits? Do you think its possible to keep a long distance relationship? Even though he will call me everyday and we have every possible ways of communication for us, I know that it won't make a difference. We just don't relate. No chemistry. We can't hold an interesting conversation and he shares nothing with me. Sometimes I even feel like he only likes me a company but not for the real person that I am. He makes no effort to explore the person behind the facade.
He doesn't show me his true self and therefore I can't FEEL him. I need to have his essence! Pure concentrated of Roy. But I am not getting it. In short, there is no connection. Even though there is compatibility, but there is no chemistry. This thought has been killing me. What should i do? What should I do?
Wanna break it off but don't have the guts. I do feel some fondness for him but I am frustrated by the lack of connection. I want to be with him but he can't be here with me. It's this convolution of confusion. A twitch of emotion spurs other kind of emotion and all this will blend together and create a hazy effect. Blinding me from the truth! HELP! HELP! HELP!...
I go to HELP but i still need HELP..*sighs*
Anyways I went to Klcc today and you know what? I tested Badlash Mascara by Benefit and it rocks! Seriously! I love its thick brush that volumnise your lashes as well as darken it and also curls it upward. It's not heavy on the eyes plus it works it magic on ur lashes. Clump-free and it leaves you with desirable result. I heart it instantly. Too bad it cost me RM93. Blekk
There was an old saying among Malays that goes something like this " A man has 9 wit, and 1 lust, while a woman has 9 lust and 1 wit!....
The stupid women of the old time of course conformed to it and made their stand less important in the society. The men of course agree to it...Like Duh! it is so untypical of them not to agree to it.
The Men say, a woman can think quickly but they can't think ten steps ahead. Wahlau..I got that from my ex, and my ears burnt when i heard that. How dare he says that about my species..Chovonist.
Anyways that's not the topic for today, but it goes along that line. It's about women unlimited wants! Such as mine.
I have been thinking about it everyday, and it seems that I always find a dead end. I can't find a way to get money to buy all those stuff that i want. It seems pretty important too, all of them.
The first one would be a new Guess Jeans. Somehow my Jeans would always be from Guess and nowhere else. I dun trust Levi's or what not. My all time fav Guess Jeans is the one called the Daredevil. Super Low, straight cut, and dark. Chunted.
The deal is this; I already have them but I have created two holes around the crotch area of the Jeans! Its hideous! Therefore to be able to buy another one, I would have to collect Rm350. wanna sponsor anyone?
Secondly, there is my camera batt charger that I have been thinking about all the time. I lost my Camera's charger. No idea how, but i just did. To be able to buy a new one it would cost RM260. Another hole in my pocket. If i were to save money for it, it would take months! It's useless!
Then there is my spec. I broke it and i flushed a part of it into the toilet bowl. Dun aske me how i did it but it happened. Need new rims and new rims will cost me Rm2oo or more.
Thirdly, I want Benefit's Bad Gal eye pencil and Bad lash Mascara. Dun ask me why, it's just so tempting and their marketing makes me feel like i can't live without it. Besides I love khol smoky eyes. Their packaging is so cool too. It cost me around 180 if i want to buy them both?
Then of course I have other petty things that I want but never really think about them everyday like wanting green contact lenses? Hahahah
Then I want to start collecting money like how i used to and I want to cover up all the money used. But I'm lost in it. I dunno since when i started collecting, how much i've used and how much to recover. Forever lost....
Do you know want to why I am having a lot of financial stigma? It's because I really want to save money for my post A-levels trip to INDIA, KATHMANDU, AND MALDIVES!
I have been saving money for this trip but I always end up using my saving to pay debt, buying gifts and for emergency uses. After so many effort I still couldn't cover the lost. Haih..
I planned to save money till June 2008 and have Rm4200 saved in my account. So far I have only Rm250 after 2 months saving up....pretty bad...As planned I should have Rm 800 already? I need a part time job.
Then there is of course the want to excel in Coll. I'm having such a hard time catching up already and my dad is doing it worse. He is forcing me to go to Thailand for a week. When I say I dont want to he says I was pretending to be all geeky and hard working. Whatever lah..
Then there is this voice at the back of my head saying "Scholarship! Scholarship! Scholarship!"
That thing worries me even more. However according to The Secret, keep on thinking positively and the universe will work in a way to give what u actually wish for. It happened to me many many times but not in my studies. Pathetic..
So how? Can I start having instant donation or derma kilat? I need some help!
I can't help but blog about this. Friends offer their help and concern at most unexpected times. Sometimes they go beyond your expectations. Some friends comes, some wash thier hands clean off you. Some remain.
I have many wonderful friends but the ones that touched my heart today are the posse which I mistakenly pronounced as "pussy". I have no idea why it's hard for me to pronounce it.
Anyways....As planned today, the posse were gonna have lunch and movies in OU. Thot I would have lunch with Roy in midvalley first and Movies with the posse ssecond to balance these 2 parties out. I cant ditch friends for some male creature. But in the end it seems like i ditched my friends.
I had a fight with Roy. So unexpected but we kinda like have this conversation almost everyday. It will eventually turn out with me packing my bag to leave in exasperation and him trying to stop me and talk me out of leaving him.
It happened again today. During the fight, my sweet bunch called me up and asked whether I am coming or not. I unexpectedly said No to them and they got worried just by hearing my pathetic small voice. You guys were so concerned about me and I was so touched. Eventhough I couldnt join you guys despite of the promise I've made, you guys were still worried about me. I couldnt come because some male creature made me feel upset. Foolish of me...
Thanx June, Sarah, Bren, Terri and Junah for the concern. I qoute Bren "When You're not there, it feels like something is missing". So sweet right?....I need insulin! Quick! I Love You guys.
However to my other friends, do not be disgruntled! Cheh I'm so important like that! *rolls eyes like roller coaster* I still love u guys aite!
P/S: Sarah I know my news sounds scandalous! Be patient till Mon okay? haha you are so gonna have to spill the beans on mon about you friday nite date!
