twist-irony-surprises

Monday, June 18, 2007

God! Help my soul!

It is easy to compete with others. Emotions like jealousy, fear being dubbed as losers, or simply being fiery could make you pick a suitable candidate to be your competitor. For example, in each arena of my of life, I could pick up a competitor accodording to my own eyes, and compete with her/him silently. If I think she is somewhat like me, who has the same capacity in that certain arena, I would pick her out as an opponent and I would compete. If he/she does better in something, I will definitely keep track of her progress and I will try to become better.

I.e : In secondary school, I have a girl whom I thought has the same intelligence capacity to excel in academics. Silently, I record down her performance and eyed her every movement. In the end she left school after PMR.

I.e : In sports, I am lagi lagi KIASU! So kiasu until its so easy for you to hate me. Everybody is my competitor. Even the ones in my own team. What to do...It's something that I like.

But what about competing against yourself? You keep on wanting to do better, you keep on wanting for a better result, you keep on wanting to do the best that you can. Competing with myself is the hardest task I've ever tried to do.

I can't fight the devil in me. I sink in my own vices. I listen to my own misleading voices. When the alarm clock goes off, I continue to sleep. When I know I'm already late, I still take my time to shampoo my hair, and when I know I've not been touching my books for 3 weeks I still blog and talk on the phone for hours.

Why am I so weak to myself? Why can't I stop from over-indulging myself and since when "Ignorance is bliss" has become my motto and tagline?

Why couldn't I care a shit anymore? This is a serious syndrome. Had it for SPM and I regretted it. Having it for A-levels but nothing is changing.

Discipline is the answer. But what if discipline has been non-existent since the day you were born? I live in a family where we are discipline-less. We love indulging ourselves.

I hope God will save my soul.

by Zephyr at 6:03 AM |