twist-irony-surprises

Monday, May 21, 2007

Lonely. I am Mr Lonely.

Sometimes I wonder, wouldn't be life be wonderful if the feeling of loneliness does not exist? Wouldn't everyone feel better about themselves? Wouldn't everyone feel contented living by themselves? No more would the sinking feeling in your tummy comes, no more would you feel a lump in your throat the moment you feel like crying, no more would you feel emptiness in you chest, if this feeling of loneliness doesn't exist.

Everybody feels lonely. It's like an autopilot for the darker side of your mind to fall into this pit of loneliness. Even though you have your best friend whom you talk to everyday, you will still feel lonely for some other reason. When you have your family by your side, you will still feel lonely because you feel inadequate or incomplete without having the special one to fill in the space of your heart. On other times, even though you have a significant one in your heart, you will still feel lonely as you look into your e-mail inbox, your sms inbox, your msn messenger in hope getting a single response from that special one but to your disappointment it never comes. Thats when you start to get heart ache and everything crumbles down slowly.

It's inevitable. Everybody feels lonely in some way or another. Even some feel lonely living at home with family members who are constantly away. They make up to this loneliness by finding a special someone to fill up that gap. Everybody tries to fill up that small little gap in their heart which gives you the feeling of loneliness but little do they know that it can't be filled in.

Little do they realise that it can't be filled in by external aid. You can never find anybody in the world to fill it in, even if you do it's only temporary. Only you can close the gap yourself by finding an internal source of contentment and fulfillment. Everybody say in theory its easy, or " I will never feel lonely" or "loneliness in not in my dictionary", but before they know it they are fooling themselves, defying the process of nature, and denying the fact that loneliness is a part of you no matter what. It may not be today, or tomorrow, but it could come at any unexpected time in your life. It gets even worse when you hit the lowest point in your life.

I so hope I could build myself to be a loner where I could live on my own, be my own friend, be my own source of contentment. I wish I could be like those travelers, crusading the world on their own, conquering their biggest fear on their own, and never rely on anybody for help.

But I know this was my defense mechanism in fear of being lonely. I opt for a single bachelor life, travelling the world at my own expense and time, not wanting to be entangled by the hassling thing called Marriage. I do not believe in that constitution, and somehow I believe my dreams will resort me into loneliness. I can brush it off and say "Loneliness is only in the mind and I'll get over it soon enough", but if I can't find ways to fill that little empty gap in my heart internally, how will I ever fill it in? If I can't fill it in, I will always feel lonely no matter in whose company I am in.

So I am on a mission trying to find satisfaction or the feeling of completeness. I am searching and searching for the ever unreachable and incomprehensible for my own mind. I am always on the look out, but I have the slightest idea of what I am actually hunting for. Every night I would excess the Internet in hope of reaching out into another place. In hope of finding fulfillment from another source of place, but I know all my effort are in vain. I know this reaction stem from the emptiness in my chest that I constantly feel every night when.........

So dramatic rite? hahaha but again it's for my dairy purposes...I know why and when things happen in my life, but not everything will be thrown in to the wind. I write this for reference in the future. Some sort like a memory to cherish when time has passes by, but you have a fragment of the pass to carry with you.

by Zephyr at 10:37 AM |