I always ask people whether do they follow their heart or their mind when it comes to decision making. Personally I think following your gut is the best option. But what if your mind and gut blends together and you can no longer tell the difference? Which part of body says No and which part of your body tells you Yes? You are so confused till you find your mind to be somewhere else and you body somewhere else. You don't function together anymore. Everything seems unsynchronized.
There will be one part telling "yeah, kiss him, its allrite" and there will be another part saying "what they hell are doing here? Are you sure you wanna be with him?", but you don't know which voice is which. Which is your gut and which is your mind.
When I'm caught in that situation, everything feels surreal and dreamy. I feel like someone else is reliving the moment instead of myself because I am so confused and lost. When I actually sit down and think about it, nothing makes sense. I don't understand why I did the things that I did albeit all the mess in my head. My body is willing to give in but my heart says "No, not yet".
Everything seems perfect but I find myself in doubt. Everything is moving too fast and it's all a blur to me. It's like when you're sitting in a fast moving car and everything that you see is blurry. Nothing makes sense. A tree doesn't look like a tree in that state, and it gets overwhelming when you try to focus on one object while you're moving. Get my drift?
So, its easy to say that you follow your heart or you like to listen to your head. But are u sure that the voice you're listening to is the voice that you think it is? Are you sure that the message you're getting is from your head and not from you heart? Can you distinguish the two? Go figure, i can't tell the fucking difference anymore.
As I was shackling myself to the study table and engrossing myself in Law essay, I can't help but drift into my old days and how I miss the simple things.
The simple and rare things in life are the sort of things that kept me going. Such as being able to ......................Damn I've forgotten what I just had in mind...Shoot...If I remember, i'll update. But i cant remember the simple things in life anymore.
So.........See ya guys around, I have law to finish up.
Sometimes I wonder, wouldn't be life be wonderful if the feeling of loneliness does not exist? Wouldn't everyone feel better about themselves? Wouldn't everyone feel contented living by themselves? No more would the sinking feeling in your tummy comes, no more would you feel a lump in your throat the moment you feel like crying, no more would you feel emptiness in you chest, if this feeling of loneliness doesn't exist.
Everybody feels lonely. It's like an autopilot for the darker side of your mind to fall into this pit of loneliness. Even though you have your best friend whom you talk to everyday, you will still feel lonely for some other reason. When you have your family by your side, you will still feel lonely because you feel inadequate or incomplete without having the special one to fill in the space of your heart. On other times, even though you have a significant one in your heart, you will still feel lonely as you look into your e-mail inbox, your sms inbox, your msn messenger in hope getting a single response from that special one but to your disappointment it never comes. Thats when you start to get heart ache and everything crumbles down slowly.
It's inevitable. Everybody feels lonely in some way or another. Even some feel lonely living at home with family members who are constantly away. They make up to this loneliness by finding a special someone to fill up that gap. Everybody tries to fill up that small little gap in their heart which gives you the feeling of loneliness but little do they know that it can't be filled in.
Little do they realise that it can't be filled in by external aid. You can never find anybody in the world to fill it in, even if you do it's only temporary. Only you can close the gap yourself by finding an internal source of contentment and fulfillment. Everybody say in theory its easy, or " I will never feel lonely" or "loneliness in not in my dictionary", but before they know it they are fooling themselves, defying the process of nature, and denying the fact that loneliness is a part of you no matter what. It may not be today, or tomorrow, but it could come at any unexpected time in your life. It gets even worse when you hit the lowest point in your life.
I so hope I could build myself to be a loner where I could live on my own, be my own friend, be my own source of contentment. I wish I could be like those travelers, crusading the world on their own, conquering their biggest fear on their own, and never rely on anybody for help.
But I know this was my defense mechanism in fear of being lonely. I opt for a single bachelor life, travelling the world at my own expense and time, not wanting to be entangled by the hassling thing called Marriage. I do not believe in that constitution, and somehow I believe my dreams will resort me into loneliness. I can brush it off and say "Loneliness is only in the mind and I'll get over it soon enough", but if I can't find ways to fill that little empty gap in my heart internally, how will I ever fill it in? If I can't fill it in, I will always feel lonely no matter in whose company I am in.
So I am on a mission trying to find satisfaction or the feeling of completeness. I am searching and searching for the ever unreachable and incomprehensible for my own mind. I am always on the look out, but I have the slightest idea of what I am actually hunting for. Every night I would excess the Internet in hope of reaching out into another place. In hope of finding fulfillment from another source of place, but I know all my effort are in vain. I know this reaction stem from the emptiness in my chest that I constantly feel every night when.........
So dramatic rite? hahaha but again it's for my dairy purposes...I know why and when things happen in my life, but not everything will be thrown in to the wind. I write this for reference in the future. Some sort like a memory to cherish when time has passes by, but you have a fragment of the pass to carry with you.
Just read my previous post and oh boy, there were lots of spelling mistakes..hehe! Didnt have any effort to correct it when you're depressed.
Anyways...About the lady whom i " knocked" into yesterday. She called me up early in the morning and asked how am I going to settle the problem. So I told her make a police report and she said "buat police report ah? u sure ah?"
Ya of course I am sure dummy. I was left light hearted and smiling afterwards when she hung up the phone. To my horror she called me up again and said " u sure u mau buat report? If you make a report you would have to pay 300 ringgit and I will use your insurance money u know."
"Yeah I know, but my father said I would have to make a report. He wont support me."
She said fine then she hung up. Then she called me up again and say " You're a young girl you know, I do not want to make a report and you wouldn't be able to drive. Besides, it is very costly to change my bumper and everything coz my car is a Honda City".
I have no idea why she told me that! If she tells me that its expensive, surely i rather pay Rm300 compound money to the police then paying thousand over for your stupid bumper rite?
Then I said, "I'll go and check with my dad since it involves my lisence". She then said, "ok I'll check how much it cost for my car then I'll call you back".
Then the husband calls and tells me " If you make a report rite, then its very hassling. A lot of work to do. You also have to pay 300 and it effects you insurance very badly. N you wont be able to drive. Give me your father's phone number and I'll talk to him. I pity you, because it will effect you badly".
"Fine, you don't have to talk to my dad, I'll call him myself and talk to him about it".
She then called again " Siti, sorry to disturb ah but i just called the insurance company and I checked that your bla bla bla will turn zero and bla bla bla..."
I couldnt make out what she said but I know it was regarding the insurance thingy. So i said "I've just checked and I will be able to drive. They will deduct points only from my lisence by I will still drive."
"owh really ah? I din know about that, but you see my niece experienced an accident before and I know when she wanted to renew her lisence she had to sit for a test again"
What lie is that? How dare she makes up such story I thought.
"Im not sure about it but i will tell you soon in half-an hour" I said.
After that I called my brother and had a discussion. I decided to pay her RM 250 to fix her bumper.
I called her up and said ok I will pay you Rm 250 cause I'm a student you see, my father wont support me and stuff.
She said Okay and she said " I will pay the rest. But you know how much the bumper cost ah? It cost me around Rm 700 ringgit tau. It's okay, you pay how much that you can and I'll pay the rest."
Sounds so fishy rite? It costs Rm700 but she said she will accept my Rm250.
I din have a good feeling during Maths class. I feel like lawfully I am not liable to pay Rm250. We should both make a police report if we want to settle it coz thats what the insurance is for. To cover up damages.
So I told my brother to act as my dad and tells her I want to make a police report. To my horror, my brother told her to bring her car to a mechanic and see how much it cost. After that she has to call him and inform him about it. He said if its expensive we'll make police report, and if it's payable we'll see to it.
My brother insisted that I pay but he doesnt get my point. Lawfully I am correct, and I know she wont make a police report coz she will lose much more, and that is also the reason why she kept on calling me to talk me out of reporting to the police.
I waited for her to call so that we could come up to a decision. But it has been 4 hours since she called and its already 3.30 pm. If we want to lodge a report, we have only a few hours left till its 6 o'clock which would be the time of the incident.
My brother called her up at 4 and asked her about the car. She said it costs her only around Rm288 and I can take however long I want to pay her back.
Where did she get the thoughts that I want to pay her? To my horror my brother said that I will pay her the money.
I had no more time to waste as Katheryn's mum was already waiting for her outside of coll and her phone is the only source of communication for me. I called her up with Katheryn's no (I ran out of credit) and said " Our family has discussed and we made up our mind to make a police report".
She said " First you kata you mau bayar, then you tak mau. Kenapa you main main? Sudah pukul 4.30 pm baru mau call?" She cursed at me and slammed the phone.
Wahlau this lady is too much....
I said so myself in the morning that I would want to make a police report, she didnt to listen.
When we asked her to call back so that we could make a decision, she did not call back . We had to call her back. So who's fault is it that we have to make a decision around 4.30 pm?
Too bad for her lah...I felt guilty but when I think about it, it's true what my dad says. Why do we want to be bullied and pushed around by people? If lawfully you are right, then you do not have to do anything more or less. It is only the Malaysian style that you pay compensation money when you collide into an accident. So the law is the law lady..so live with it. If you didn't want to make a police report even though you have hours to call back and a few hours after to lodge a report, then its not my fault that you lost your money.
But if I were to be in her spot also, I will feel reluctant to lodge a report. So what to do? I am confused myself. But she was being sly herself trying to talk me out of lodging a report.
After attack then another attack...I keep on getting depression attack. It all caused by minor things, but I feel like I'm this one big sponge that absorbs every kind of emotions easily, especially depression. I think it's natural and it runs in the family. No biggie.
But do tell me, do I have the right to be depress today? I knocked into somebody's bumper today and caused a dent on this one lady's Honda City. Fuckaroo fate...I kinda like have an omen before that, because as I rushed to go out I grabbed my purse hastily without realising that it's empty and that I've moved all my IC, driving lisence, money etc into another bag. I did realise it on the way out of my house, but I ignored it.
Then i knocked into a lady's car and caused permanent shock and grievance in me. I felt so depressed. Have to keluarkan duit lagi, and then have to tell this news to my dad. I know I sound so princessy, but it caused me a huge shock.
Then there is this A-voice thingy to do. It seems so hard to finish this thing when you actually have to share your task with other 6 people. I have to interview, have to set appointment, chase these big people's secretaries, and have to face rejection when they tell you straight in the face "No, you cant interview him coz he's busy". Wahlau...I just got myself into a deep shit. The best part is, it due on 31st of may, and i have to interview these big people, the students, teachers and write it out before the 31st of May.
Probably it's PMS or what, but i feel disturbed easily by little things. I do not know why, but I know it's happening. Probably I havent got my shower today and my dad says a shower cleanses you of bad luck. True enough.
I had the same expression as the above pic pasted on my face throughout the whole day after the accident. Seriously...
I am not in a light mood at all. I need a perk-me up, or a lift me up thingy magicky. Yeong Ren made it worse but pressing the issue even harder...*sobs*...hehe does it make you feel guilty now Yeong Ren?
My dad said that there is nothing in the law saying that when you knock into someone's car and if it didnt cause injury, you would have to pay compensation money. The insurance will cover the damages. I told Yeong Ren about that, and the fact that I feel so heavy to call up this Lady and tell her that she would have to make a police report and I won't pay the damages.
He said, If you don't call then you want to pay 1000 ringgit later on lah, when she has fixed the car?
Wahlao...thanx Yeong Ren for comforting me. Heheh are feeling guilty now? hehe...By making you feel guilty, it lifts up my spirit.
Anyways, I always had this pressing thought about adopting and when I went to Kashmir, I thought I would like to adopt from there. I did my research and it seems totally impossible to adopt a child if you're a foreigner due to child abuse cases caused by foreign parents lately. Haih..another dream crushed. Maybe I should make a Kashmiri child of my own...hehe
But these Kashmiri child are so lovely and cute! totally changed my perspectives on kids! Malaysian kids have so tainted my image of children. Malaysian kids, i.e like me dash around the place like while goose and are such a brat to handle. I felt like slapping these kids that I normally see. However these Kashmiri kids are to die for! so cute, and loveable.
I know they seem dirty and depressed, but if they are washed and cleaned, given proper clothes, they will look so cute. On second thought after looking at the pic so many times, they look dishevelled and deprived. Reminds me of Zombies. LoL
Anyways, Im going to bed now, but guess what? My sis is watching bollywood movie in my room...how the fuck am i going to sleep? She will refuse to switch off the tv...Wish me luck and hope she will listen.
Im feeling depressed again coz u know why? Marsh made me feel that way...She has seen John Abraham before and she got to feel his vibe, witness his hotness, his hunkiness, his broad muscular shoulders, his mesmerising eyes and everything else. *sobs sobs*...I feel damn sad...Depressed...Angry....and everything else......
Wait Marsh did you take a picture with him?....How did u meet him? WUARGHHHHH.....I can feel life inequality for the first time in my life....*sobs sobs*
I am so in love with that guy apart from being so totally in love with Hrithik Roshan too....Haih...Sedey...Maybe I when I am at Mumbai with Yeong Ren I'll get to see him...
So dramatic lah...but anyways...i still feel depressed..hahaha
Owh my god! I can't stand Malaysian Television anymore. Be it Astro Ria, Tv3, Ntv7 or anything else! They are getting on my nerves and you wanna know why? Its because they are so uncreative. They are really really not creative. I can't see any Tv shows that were not derived from western Tv shows.
I was watching Astro Ria and this one guy popped up and began showing magic tricks on the streets. Approaching young girls who in returned giggled shyly and move out of the camera frame. Some of them even moved out secretly. So typical Malaysians to be so shy, malu-malu kucing pulak tu! PUI PUI PUI! Feel the bullet power of my saliva spit. Before we forget the point, is he just trying to be the next Malaysian Mondo Magic guy?
Then we have Malaysian Idol. Well I guess one show such as Malaysian Idol is not so bad considering almost each country has their own Idol. Then there is Akademi Fantasia that comes from Mexico if I am not mistaken. Or probably from somewhere around the Latino region.
Apart from that, we have So Do you Think You Can Dance Malaysia Version. Haiyooo...After that I heard about Fashion Runway Malaysian version. Before this we had Explore Race which is another reality show where its concepts came from Amazing Race.
Just this afternoon I was watching Tv3 and this one advertisement came up. It was those usual advertisement where Tv3 shows to promote one of their nightly shows and its called Emilda something. Do you want to know where they stole the storyline and concept from? It is from Ugly Betty. Depicting a story of an ugly secretary working in a office that is mostly empowered by pretty, over-controlling and bitchy colleagues. Haiyooo....
Enough is enough Malaysian! Find something original and authentic. Find something that truly reflects Malaysia as a country that is innovative, modern, but yet original. Im so sick of staring into the idiot box and find something that insults Malaysia and myself as a Malaysian. It wrecks my sanity.
I can't turn on the Tv anymore because whenever I do I get annoyed and agitated. When I refuse to turn watch Malaysian shows people will say I am trying to act all westernised and I don't appreciate Malaysia enough. But how can I watch it when it's actually Malaysian Tv channels that are trying to plagiarize Western Tv shows? I am so sick, so sick, so sick! I'm going to Uei Huek (muntah darah in Hokkien according to Mr Noel who is my maths teacher). If I were in the government I'll write a comment to the newspaper and fill the column full with slanders and criticisms. So be it unfair or just plain rude, but its time Malaysia produce something that is truly of their own because so far in my life, I've never found anything that original being produced in Malaysia.
Everything we manufacture derive ideas from other countries and one clear example is the Eye of Malaysia, which they wrote on the billboard Eye on Malaysia? Huh? Is that the only way they use to make themselves look different? By replacing "of" with "on" and hope everybody will think it's the original and another variation which you can find in Malaysia? Pleasee....Gimme a break.
We're always stuck in between. Monyet di hutan di kejar, tapi anak yang dikeondong tercicir (did i get that correct?) . People prefer going to Thailand because they are so authentic and unique. People go to Singapore because its clean, modern and also possesses what Malaysia has to offer ie the different races, Malaysian food such as roti canai and such, plus they have great seafood as well as frog dishes (yuck). People prefer going to India because they do not lose touch of their roots and authenticity. But we Malaysia can't seem to find a stand. We seem to be Jack of all trades and specialises in nothing great. We must find the quintessence of Malaysia and work on it.
Diane said this once to me " Cancerians are suckers for hot people, seriously". It was not a surprise after all since I've always been gawking at hot people in India. She said she's the same person too, and she's a Cancerian. Is it true that all Cancerians are like that?
Whenever I see a beautiful creature, my knees get weak and my heart beats faster and harder. I run out of air and I start to hyperventilate Sometimes I will shriek in delight or sometimes my face will turn red from all the decompression. Don't ask me what kind of decompression, its just one of those time when I have to hold everything back in spite of the outburst within me.
They are the feelings that i get whenever I see Hritik Roshan or John Abraham. Sometimes whenever I get to see "exotic" people. Exotic in my terms would be like those two I have just mentioned. I have a weak spot for people with these kind of features. I have no idea how to explain. Maybe to Sarah, I would say people exotic like the Kashmirians and she would get it.
But I think you guys would have understood my taste right? Fair but not pale. Round, deep set brown eyes. Green would be even heavenly. A lil bit of stub, and really high straight nose. It even turns me on when these people have sculpted bodies. I don't like it buff, but just nicely toned. It just drives me crazy whenever I see one of these people. N oh yeah, they must have black hair and thick black eyebrows as well. Hehe
I don't know why I'm writing this but I need to vent out my feelings such as this one. Feelings of...I don't know what. I told you I'm a sucker for beautiful people.I just gotta fine one so that I could stare and manifest in their beauty. Having one in Kashmir doesn't count okay?! Its already hard to communicate then what about seeing and appreciating every curb and creases on his face?...
Do you want to know what causes this sudden surge of hornines? It's because i've just watched Water, a Hindi Film starring John Abraham who reminds me of Imran. Almost the same features. The hair, the stub, the eyes, and the chin. They look almost alike and is that why Imran likes him as an actor? Seeing another person like himself on the TV screen? if thats the reason then he's really vain.
This is John Abraham. Another Hindi Actor. Cute lah.
But! The important thing that I've wanted to say is this, do watch Water. You'll witness things that you have never seen and it brings you new horizons. It may be slow, but the cinematography suffice itself in that sense. It was hard for me to capture the quintessence of the movie as I don't understand the Hindu culture as much of the scripts revolves around Krishna, Radha and it's history. I can't really capture its beauty and symbolical meanings.
But it's message was clear enough about widows and how they were treated pre and post Ghandi times. How women without husbands were badly treated and deprived. Why are men so cruel to demean the opposite sex? And why are women willing to subject themselves to such injustice? We women have such a delicate stand on this world. I don't even know what role are women to play in this world in order to be treated fairly. Anyways I had a good time feasting my eyes upon John Abraham! Now my eyes are happy and satisfied, but my heart is not. I want to have someone who is as good looking as him. Enough of crapping, I need to finish up on maths at 1 o'clock in the morning and sleep. Coll tomorrow...lazy nyer.
To ask or not to ask..That is the question my fellow friend. He's neither an acquaintance nor a stranger (to my eyes at least). I know him (yeah in my lustful imagination heheh) yet I do not know him (that part is not fictional), but why is he so sexy? Why is he so muscular? Why is he so hot? Thats because he is my super hero Double M!
He's tall and muscular. Hot and sexy! Those are all the criteria a man needs to save a lady in distress............ like ME!
Anyways enough of ramblings...I just want ask him to be my date for the A-levels Ball. But Im too shy, too conscious and timid to ask a guy out. What if he already has a gf? What if he's gay? What if im not hot enuff? I dun want to make a fool out of myself. But i so badly want to ask him to the ball. Haih.....
What do u think peeps? Should I ask this beautiful stranger to the ball?
He could be the purest I've ever known. He is rare like a gem and clear like the diamond.Indeed he possesses every attributes of the diamond. Like a diamond he's transparent- hiding no lies and deceit behind his astonishing facade.
He is gentle and soft. Reflecting the single colour of my life into many natural beautiful rays. Those colours he gave me to light up my darkest hour. He changes a frown to a smile and anger to daze. He managed the impossible with ease and grace.
Yet, he is strong and sturdy. Determined on his decision and firm on his grounds. Nothing could penetrate his beautiful mind and wear off his incandescence.
All his attributes as above make it impossible for anyone even myself to deflect the words he has once uttered. What is done is done, and a loss is a loss. He washes his hand clean from it. Never have I met a person like him. He washes me clean without a single trace of regret, and not a single twinge of doubt. How I admire him for his certainty. How I admire him for his dissimilarities from other men. He shines just like how a diamond does under the rays of the blessed sun. He shines in my eyes.
Yet is he as pure as I assume? May be so or may be not. But I know one thing for sure, he never fails to dazzle me.
Note: To whoever reading this but couldnt get the meaning, please dun complain to me. It is just another personal entry. Its only meant for me to understand and probably for you to decipher. but if you could understand then its allrite lah i guess.
Owh yeah..i changed the template into something green. I'm pro mother nature yo! Let's fight global warming and banish pollution! We need to unite and fight off these irresponsible perpetrators. We don't have much time and if we're too late we might fade away in Mother natures' wrath and vengeance. Support your true mother which is the earth. Love it and conserve it. Do not only think about your generation and think we could pass this phase without sufferomg any consequences because whatever is coming, it is coming rapidly to swallow us as well as the next generation. You can't escape but to join hand and save our environment. Peace yo!!!!!!
We used to be tight and we used to be as one. We moved around as a pack- loud, intimidating and clear. We used to paint the whole town red together, or more like the school red. We've been one since god knows when. We made promises of always being together or we'll actually make effort to be together till we grow old. We talked of being just like the desperate housewives on Wisteria Lane. Were those times just meant to be a memory to each of us? Or those promises that we make were based on empty words? Or are we just refusing to bother about the friendship that we used to cherish?
All I could do is just let out a sigh whenever I look at our pictures. Each one of us heading to different paths. Some of us have somebody to share the journey with and some of us are still hoping for somebody to walk with on our lonely path. But one thing for sure, all of us couldn't take the journey together. It seems the path is too small to fit all of us into it. The lane of life just gets smaller and smaller, and thus leaving only a few to remain on the journey, or make us leave and lead a solitary life.
My heart sank deeper when I hear each and everyone's voices. The warmth is gone and the soul seems to be empty. Or maybe I am just imagining it. But I still can't deny that the chemistry is gone. Sometimes the darker side of me tells me that we just don't care anymore. Then I'll feel a lump stuck in my throat and my heart gets heavier with sadness.
Some of us walk the path of life without even looking back. Their head is thrust ahead with full of eagerness for what life has to offer. Some of us walk the path of life with doubt and insecurity. Adding up to that vulnerability is the thought that we still lead a solitary life after all this years. Then there is one like me; who is still eager for what life has in store for her, but she just can't help to look back on her childhood memories. Who feels resentment towards the causes of our fall out, or maybe who just feels bitter towards the fact of reality.
Maybe the cause to our fall out is the illusion that we're still strong no matter what happens. The illusion causes us to neglect. Maybe some of us are just too caught up by the waves and surge of life. Maybe some of us just forget. Or maybe some of us just bottle it all inside. Maybe some of us just don't care. However to say that we just don't bother or care is harsh. Well.... if I can't say that then the only reason would be: we're reaching adulthood and independence starts to build with time. We're stronger than before and the need to depend on someone else is fading away. When you are happy and satisfied with yourself, friendship starts to lose its importance. Well is that explanation kind enough?
Well to those that actually take effort, I thank you lots. To some that just disappear, maybe the the waves of life would draw us together in no time. To whoever that I may appear aloof and distant to, Im sorry but in my heart I cherish the good times that we've had together. I just need to face the fact of reality. haih...
Friday night is my movie night. I relish my own private movie time as I find it relaxing, and insightful. Besides it sparks my creativity. However after watching "Looking for Comedy in the Muslim world" which was directed and written by the well-know comedian (i don't know him actually) Albert Brooks, I was left disappointed, unsatisfied and unsettled. The movie did not reach my expectations considering it is an American movie and based on the non-fictional journey of Albert Brooks to India and Pakistan on a mission to find what actually ticks the people there.
America in a post 9/11 world have been on the mission to dig deep into the psychology of the Muslims. Much effort and experimentations have been done, however they have been doing it in the wrong way which is through war and violence. Bush, being the " man who has a fair share of humour himself" (according to the Americans anyway) have sent Albert Brooks to India and Pakistan with hopes of a 500 pages report from the man himself on what makes the Muslims laugh.
Being an American and also a Jew, things have been made particularly odd for him as it has been widely known that the Muslims and the Jews don't get along very well. However his faith wasn't a barrier in his eyes. He toiled and brainstormed for ideas on how to find the comedy in the Indian world. After a devastating discovery, he found out that no comedy club is opened in India. Thus he sent out fliers to the busy people congesting the small road in Old Delhi aka "madhouse" in order to inform these people of his comedy act which will be held in a school's auditorium. He also went to the extent of illegal crossing to Pakistan for 4 hours to share some comedy with the Pakistani's own aspiring comedians. However things did not go as plan when both Pakistani and India government suspected him of terrorism. He was eventually sent back to America by forced and his presence in India as well as Pakistan (illegally) exerted some strain on both of the government which have been on peace for the whole 2 years. Things came back to normal between the frontiers when they actually learned the truth of Albert's mission. Albert eventually could only hand in a 6 pages in length report to the U.S government and his dream for the 'Medal of Freedom' vanished into thin air.
I find it disappointing because being a Caucasian and oblivious to the Asian culture, he did not try to understand the culture and the people itself. He presented to them the basic stand up comedies that most Americans are used to but not what the Indians are used to. He did not understand the state of poverty in India and that they have no time for sarcasm and improvisation. Indian people just want a light, hearty joke which they could find easily through movies. He was still stuck to the ideas of what makes Americans tick but did not adapt to the Indian culture and think out of the box. He sends off the message to me as someone who is unmalleable, difficult to comprehend new ideas and not adaptive. Thats why he failed to make the people laugh. The only time where he could actually make the Pakistani laughed was because they were high on drugs.
The movie lacks depth even though commentators dubbed it as "hilarious" and " a classic". But it failed to bring up new meaning and horizons to watchers. It also failed to make the watchers understand the Muslim's or the Indian's mind as it only focuses on him instead of on the people, which I find as the important element if their real purpose is to banish misunderstandings and to close the gap between the western and eastern world.
I suggest you can watch it if you want, but it's really not interesting as I expected more from an American movie. Rasa bengang nie...
Guess what? My car got clamped today and Ms Caroline (lit lecturer) got to see the whole embarrassing moment. Syok giler man! Never had the feeling that you get when your car gets clamped. Went to the guard, the guard asked me to see the abang tiket. The abang tiket said I would have to pay 50 ringgit!!!!!! Just got my allowance yesterday and here I am spending one-third of my allowance on the stupid clamping ticket!
After I've paid the ticket only the whole personnel who were hanging out by my car said, "ALAH, kenapa tak jumpa abang jer? Kan senang mcm tue, tak payah bayar!".
Swt...dah bayar baru bagitau lah? He said, "takpe, next time kalau kena clamp lagi nanti jumpa abang lagi".
Wahlau, when would it be the next i get clamp again? Next ten years if it were to be in the same building! If it's sumwhere else i might get clamped soon enough because of my reckless parking style.
Anyways, i cant help but mention this! I SAW MY MUSCLE FUCKING MAN! WOHOOO
He made my day lah. I was on the way to the ladies when I passed by the computer lab and I saw a gorgeus creature that caught my eyes. Without hesitation, i knew it was him and it turned out to be HIM! My muscle man.
I just heard him talk today and he has the sexiest voice along with a sexy aura. He's not thaAAAT good looking but its just the whole aura that he sends off as SEXY! SENSUAL AND MASCULINE.
Haih...Im so desperate. The bad news is that he might be graduating anything soon this year, coz I heard from his friend (whom he were talking to about some project) that he's graduating this semester. Wahhh...I dont have much time anymore.
I want my muscle man to stay. I want my eye candy to stay....PLEASEEEEEEEEE
When you lose any material object of your affection, the feeling of anger and hopelessness would creep in but never will u feel the feeling of loss. But when you lose somebody, doesn't matter he/she is important or not, the feeling of loss is there to stay. After experiencing one or 2 losses, I still couldn't comprehend this feeling that i get, which is loss. The feelings are just quizzical, well right now it is.
Few months back, after a bad break up, I experienced the most excruciating feeling of loss. It was painful and quizzical. Now after losing someone that I care, the feeling remains but to only make me feel even more quizzical. It's all a big question mark to me. I can't make out these numb feelings that I get. I cant tell whether it's emptiness, or anger, or anything, it's just a numb feeling that just refuses to go away. It intrigues me.
After talking with the hongkees in the library, I realised something in the comfort of my own room. Besides, I was talking to YYR about it and by talking about it, it peels the logical explaination behind the contradicting words I have just uttered.
I told them that I want to have a relationship but neither do I want to be in the getting-to-know each other process which happens whenever you meet someone new, nor do I want to have a boyfriend. I just want to be in the comfort zone where only couples who have been together with each other for over a year period can achieve. Then June said, thats means you just want to be in a relationship. It made sense during that time, but it confuses me again. I don't want to have a boyfriend but i gawk at them constantly. Neither do i want a gf coz everything would get complicated. But i just wanna love and care for somebody and likewise I want somebody to do the same to me.
While I was talking to Yeong Ren then it strikes to me. These feelings that I get came from the feeling of loss from Imran. Even though it was only a fling but it has everything that I have been looking for. He's someone that I care and love, but he's not my boyfriend. We're not in the introductory phase of a relationship coz we are too far away to do that, but we do keep in touch with each other often.I feel really at a comfort zone with Imran even though it has been only 2 months. I feel like I'm in a relationship that is commitment free. Exactly, that is what i have been looking for. Commitment free relationships. I want to feel comfort and love without all the hassles necessary in a relationship.
However, the feeling of loss is the only emotion I can't handle well. I've beginning to feel phobic towards the feeling of loss and this is a sign I might bet clingy in the coming relationship (which will come only the next 1000 years). Owh well..no pain no gain. gotta rush into my law essay now, or not I will even more depressed tomorrow.
Something rather unexpected happen. After spending relentless effort to find ring ring card in all 7-11 franchise, I finally got my hand on one in the nearest Giant mall. According to the guy, its not ring ring card, its called italk. Aha...no wonder i couldnt get any ring ring card. In effort to find the ring ring card, i stumbled upon some Sabahans who accosted me, but I deliberately ignored them. The result of such foolishness is, a group Sabahan hooligans gathering around my car and the leader sitting on the bonnet. Scary...
However, upon acquiring the ring ring card i cant wait for the clock needle to strike 30 past 11, to dial the one and only Kashmiri number that I have and that same number get me all excited and nervous whenever i receive a call from that blessed land. The conversation turned sour when he asked me " What do you think about marriage?"
Huh? marriage? why of all things do u ask me about the ever perplexing topic of marriage? I hate that topic, i don't believe in marriage and I know my answers could never suit yours. He told me once he wants to get married at the age of 26 and he's 21 this year. Haih...
I gave a little laugh to brush off the topic and said "I dont like marriage, and I want to get married when I am old" in a light tone and manner.
He in returned exclaimed " owh my god, when you're old?"
"yeah, when im old, and youngest probably 28? what about you?"
He said "probably i'll get married after my college".
"Why don't you ask your mum to find you a nice kashmiri girl to get married with?"
"Why are you saying this? What about you?" he asked me.
"If you were to wait for me, it would be the next ten years and you would be 31. It would be too long or it just seems impossible. Just get married if you want and don't take account of me. But I still love to be your good friend (corny i know)" i said tenderly to soften the harsh words.
It didn't work, he just kept quiet. I asked him why is he being so silent, he just replied "I have nothing to say or more like I don't know what word to say. I am just shocked".
There you go my dear, a perfect example of a culture clash. I knew this fling would never last but I just didn't expect it to end this way. Then the line got cut. Tried calling him but nobody answered the call. I gave out a big sigh and put down the phone.
I gave him a text message saying "I love and do care for you, but i just don't want to stop you from doing the very thing that you want to do. I want you to be happy. I want to give you lots of choices and freedom, and I dont want to be the barrier in between. I'm trying to be frank and I don't want to hide anything from you. I just hope I could still have this friendship" and he replied nothing back.
Regret sank in along with the harsh reality. I thought I could forever be lost in the Kashmiri dream of mine, but I know I have been fooling myself for far to long. I just like the idea of him but not him and his mind. I just love having the thought of him but not the commitment. Realisation sank in and my guts told me I would never hear anything from him again unless miracle release its magic which I knew it never actually exist.
I could remember the feeling that I get when I could execute a challenging dance move with precision and style. It's just exhilarating. I feel like I could do anything else in the world and I AM THE superwoman.
It's even more sublime when I could watch everybody and I grooving to the music in the mirror but at the same time sharing thoughts through eye contacts and face expressions from the mirror.
The mirror is the connector to the effusion of feelings mingling in the room. The emotions needed escape from the overwhelmed body and the mirror is that proxy.
From the mirror I could see some high in ecstasy from dancing. Their eyes up looking up to the ceiling and body dancing out the steps as if God has gifted it to them since birth.
Then there are people like me; who struggled to cope but when they are in tune with the music and the body run its course, a smile will break from the frowning face and everything seems bright and nothing could wrong. That is until when she has missed a step or two and the trance is broken.
Well...they are also people who kept facing the ground and never took their eyes off from their feet. If they do, they feel the angel of death might just stare them in the eyes and strip away their lives. These people are the ones moving with difficulties, have the permanent frown stuck in their faces and move awkwardly.They are such funny people. I know its not nice to laugh, but sometimes i catch myself laughing in the mirror after taking a glance at one or two of these people. Cute people I will say.
What's even hilarious is when the awkward lost guy starts to sit down and complain about all the moves and how they are just so wrong. His eyes will start to get wild and hand will start flinging in the air as his speech avalanches with growing confusion and exasperation.
The most perfect body language of love could only be conveyed by a dance. When a man and women dance, everything around them starts to fade and what matters only is them. A man cant force a woman if she doesn't want to dance, and man could only lead if she lets him lead. Respect and Honour play much effort in this duo to create harmony. A perfect example of roles for men and women. A woman is not a man's property and therefore he can't subject her to do the things that she doesn't want to do. A man should gain a woman's acceptance and then only could he move with her as one.
It doesn't matter what kind of dance, but when a man and a woman interact in a dance it would never fail to fascinate me. It just fascinates me when a man touches a woman with tender love and care, carries her into the air with effort and security, and will never let her fall when her feet touches the ground. However if he fails to do those things, the magic of the dance will be lost and the dance could never be a dance of love. It just intrigues me how life needs to apply the principles of dancing to create perfect congruence between mankind and also sexes.
I just love the image when a man touches a woman by the hip and their body unites with the single magic of music and its melody. Their souls merge into one and create rainbow of emotions; all odd and beautiful.
Dancing has been a passion, but a dying one. With unending task and duties, I am caught in the society's web of expectation. I just wanna run away and relive the spark in me, which is to dance.
