twist-irony-surprises

Thursday, May 03, 2007

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When you lose any material object of your affection, the feeling of anger and hopelessness would creep in but never will u feel the feeling of loss. But when you lose somebody, doesn't matter he/she is important or not, the feeling of loss is there to stay. After experiencing one or 2 losses, I still couldn't comprehend this feeling that i get, which is loss. The feelings are just quizzical, well right now it is.

Few months back, after a bad break up, I experienced the most excruciating feeling of loss. It was painful and quizzical. Now after losing someone that I care, the feeling remains but to only make me feel even more quizzical. It's all a big question mark to me. I can't make out these numb feelings that I get. I cant tell whether it's emptiness, or anger, or anything, it's just a numb feeling that just refuses to go away. It intrigues me.

After talking with the hongkees in the library, I realised something in the comfort of my own room. Besides, I was talking to YYR about it and by talking about it, it peels the logical explaination behind the contradicting words I have just uttered.

I told them that I want to have a relationship but neither do I want to be in the getting-to-know each other process which happens whenever you meet someone new, nor do I want to have a boyfriend. I just want to be in the comfort zone where only couples who have been together with each other for over a year period can achieve. Then June said, thats means you just want to be in a relationship. It made sense during that time, but it confuses me again. I don't want to have a boyfriend but i gawk at them constantly. Neither do i want a gf coz everything would get complicated. But i just wanna love and care for somebody and likewise I want somebody to do the same to me.

While I was talking to Yeong Ren then it strikes to me. These feelings that I get came from the feeling of loss from Imran. Even though it was only a fling but it has everything that I have been looking for. He's someone that I care and love, but he's not my boyfriend. We're not in the introductory phase of a relationship coz we are too far away to do that, but we do keep in touch with each other often.I feel really at a comfort zone with Imran even though it has been only 2 months. I feel like I'm in a relationship that is commitment free. Exactly, that is what i have been looking for. Commitment free relationships. I want to feel comfort and love without all the hassles necessary in a relationship.

However, the feeling of loss is the only emotion I can't handle well. I've beginning to feel phobic towards the feeling of loss and this is a sign I might bet clingy in the coming relationship (which will come only the next 1000 years). Owh well..no pain no gain. gotta rush into my law essay now, or not I will even more depressed tomorrow.

by Zephyr at 5:46 AM |