twist-irony-surprises

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Confusion. As always..

I am not lonely in fact I am happy with my single life. I am sipping it away slowly, like sipping a good americano coffee in Starbuck during rainy days. Satisfying and warm. That's how I feel when I am single.

I love walking around in shopping malls alone. Love eating and watching movies alone. I think I am a good loner. I love my presence and company. In whole, I'm complete. I complete myself. However there are days when I am totally bored and felt suicidal! That explains the stitches on my wrist.

When I am in love it get tempestuous and hazardous. I can feel the perpetual heart beat of mine racing and pulsating. It wrings in fear and doubt. My mind aches thinking about what's wrong and what's right. It hurts when your heart misses someone and it hurts again when you heart feels like it doesn't belong anymore. Then dread creeps in and you have to force yourself to break off the relationship despite how sympathetic you feel towards the other party. The truth is you can stay in the relationship just to make the other person happy but you cant force yourself to remain loyal if you don't feel the love anymore.

But what if, you're caught in between? Sometimes you don't have the heart to break everything off even though you've realised that the future is bleak. What if you still feel love for that person but that person doesn't satisfy you as much as you have expected him to? What if after all the time spent with him you still yearn for a good conversation and hope to feel a connection or some sort? In the end of the day you just feel empty.No stimulation! No satisfaction! No bond! No nothing! Nada! Elek!

Despite all the the disappointment and emptiness that I feel generated by him , I still don't have the guts to shake this guy off. Probably because of the little fondness that I have towards him. Maybe because of his effort and generosity. Prolly because there a lil twinge of hope in my heart that still feeds my fire. Maybe....Maybe....Maybe..My head is clouded and my heart is filled with thousand ambiguities. To make matters worse he won't be here anymore. He's flying away and never to come back in a long time.

So do you think this relationship will bear fruits? Do you think its possible to keep a long distance relationship? Even though he will call me everyday and we have every possible ways of communication for us, I know that it won't make a difference. We just don't relate. No chemistry. We can't hold an interesting conversation and he shares nothing with me. Sometimes I even feel like he only likes me a company but not for the real person that I am. He makes no effort to explore the person behind the facade.

He doesn't show me his true self and therefore I can't FEEL him. I need to have his essence! Pure concentrated of Roy. But I am not getting it. In short, there is no connection. Even though there is compatibility, but there is no chemistry. This thought has been killing me. What should i do? What should I do?

Wanna break it off but don't have the guts. I do feel some fondness for him but I am frustrated by the lack of connection. I want to be with him but he can't be here with me. It's this convolution of confusion. A twitch of emotion spurs other kind of emotion and all this will blend together and create a hazy effect. Blinding me from the truth! HELP! HELP! HELP!...

I go to HELP but i still need HELP..*sighs*

Anyways I went to Klcc today and you know what? I tested Badlash Mascara by Benefit and it rocks! Seriously! I love its thick brush that volumnise your lashes as well as darken it and also curls it upward. It's not heavy on the eyes plus it works it magic on ur lashes. Clump-free and it leaves you with desirable result. I heart it instantly. Too bad it cost me RM93. Blekk

by Zephyr at 6:45 AM |