twist-irony-surprises

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Birth of a new life.

I know some people can't stop feeling morbid but I'm the other way round. I constantly think about pregnancy. So instead of thinking about death, I constantly think about rebirth. Im not trying to imply that I'm some kind of new-age chic, but it always make wonder. What if I get pregnant out of wedlock and especially at this kind of age? A teenage who have just tasted freedom and have a whole lot more of ambitions to achieve out there? Will I want to lose all that?

When I think about it, it send shivers down my spine. I feel empty and hollow whenever I try to imagine myself having a baby. I fear the disappointed looks on parents face upon hearing the news. I fear smelling the anesthetic smell of the hospital and and at the thought of lying down on a hospital bed in preparation for abortion.

Sometimes I think, it would be a bold move if i ever decide to have the baby. But when I think about motherly responsibilities, loss of trust by my family, loss of dreams and ambitions, I fall back on the idea abortion. However when I think about abortion, it scares me to the roots.

I can try to be receptive to what ever kind of emotions. When I put myself in anybody's shoes, I can learn to feel whatever emotions that person is feeling. Doesn't matter death, morbid, anger, confusion, or anger but never the feeling of being a young teenage girl carrying an illegitimate child inside her. So it has always been, I can never understand the feeling of conceiving a child and the joy it brings. Everybody seems to want a family and children but I never have the desire to do so.

I guess I'm defect in that way. The idea of pregnancy has always been wondrous to me but at the same scary. The pain of child labour especially puts me in a weird state. I always wonder why do humans still want to have kids eventhough the pain of child labour is excruciating and the level of responsibilities is high? It always make me wonder why...Probably it's our instincts. Yet again, maybe its our animal instincts.

It makes me wonder also why humans still want to repocreate even though we tend to be creature of negativity? I mean for example it's easier for humans to think negatively instead of positively, so why do we look at child-birth as a joy instead of a burden? Why only at that single moment we defy our negative nature? Why only at that single state we feel secure and safe at the thoughts of having kids even though we know that there are a lot of rooms for complications and death along the way? We do we change so much when it comes to pregnancy? It amazes me how we humans feel towards childbirth.

We humans are anxious and cautious creatures rite? Before we do something, we'll think the whole thing thorougly but why when it comes to pregnancy (only when we are legal to do so) we throw cautions into the wind and become ever optimistic and bright creatures? Isn't it natural for humans to back away from death, pain, and responsibilities but why is it when it comes to pregnancy we always say "No, it's allrite. God is on our side. We will do allright and the baby is going to be fine". I also realised that it is the only point in life where we totally rely on god and spirituality.

Only at that what point we wholly thrust our hope on God even to those who never really worship and secure thier beliefs in God. Only at one point, which is pregnancy, a start of a new life we humans change more than we thought we do. We change so much without realising it.

Another thing that I can't comprehend is, how humans can look at life the same way after child concieving? I feel like pregnancy or giving way to a new life is totally a surreal experience. We're bringing new life solely from our collobaration of power: men and women. We bringing something so precious and fragile into the world. We're bringing individuals into the world. We're are changing the world in so many ways. How can we still look at life indifferently?

It is the wonder of God. It is the wonder of male and female combined. It is pregnancy. *shivers*

by Zephyr at 8:13 AM |