twist-irony-surprises

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Innocence of a child.

I believe I am like a kid. Or maybe yet, I want to be like a kid. Not so much as pure like a kid but as innocent as kid. Innocent in a manner where I am new to emotions and experience, but being as a kid, I never want to be afraid to venture and delve into them carelessly.

I never want to rush into feeling these emotion such as, going out clubbing with friends late at night and probably getting drunk in a friend's place, spending a night out with a cool bunch of friends. I was never allowed to go out at night and I think I am still not allowed. But I never tried rushing doing all these things back in secondary school. I never tried to sneak out and do things illegally. The thrill may be there (and that would be an extra point), but its not as thrilling when you actually get to do it with no worries.

Doing things such as riding in car with friends at 12 o'clock in the morning, feeling the hype and getting all drunk in a friend's house. Being like a kid, I got very excited. Trying so hard to taste freedom in it's own way, trying to let the feeling of emancipation (to me at least) sink in.

But i guess, when you know you are actually legal to do it and nothing will stop you from doing, it kills the excitement. I guess the thrill is no longer there and this is what I call human nature. We look back and forward, and pine for what we have not. We never miss the water until it's gone or we want something that we cant get, but when we get it it loses it novelty. This is so us, Human. To always feel greed and constant yearning for new possessions regardless materialistically or emotionally. It's Ironic.

On Sarah's birthday, I was out with friends late at night. It suddenly dawned on me that I am late out at night and I am driving a car and holding a license to total mayhem and chaos. The exhilaration however was not there. I looked at my watch and it indicated 12 am and the only feeling i got was "Oh, 12 o'clock".

It was certainly a wet blanket. I wanted to feel how a child would feel and not how an adult would feel. When adult goes out at night with friends it feels like a norm to them. They look at the watch and say "owh, the night is still young. No worries."

However when it comes to a child, they would say "WOW it's 12 fucking (i know a child wouldnt swear, but a big kid like me would) o'clock! It's impossible! I can't wait for the next things to come! I wonder what would happen. I can't believe my luck. *squeals in delight*".

You get what I mean now? I used to get jolts when I see night lights in the cities. I feel like "wow this is how the night life would look when I get to go out someday". I really loved looking at night lights coz when I was younger I always dreamt of driving around the city with a bunch of friends, looking hot, loaded with money and hanging out at Bangsar or Kl for a drink. Just wanna live the high-end life of Yuppies.

Therefore it was a total disappointment when my dreams actually came true but that child-like amazement and innocence died. I was being like "yeah, I am an adult now. I will get more of this soon".

However, despite all that I tried injecting some child-like spirit to relive the moment. The magic wore off after some time. That was why I slept so early instead of having a blast with my friends at a sleepover. Dang.

My total idea of blast is an experience without inhibitions. I do not want to feel the surroundings around me. I do not want to feel what is stirring inside of me but instead I want my imagination to run free and throw my guard off. That's why people think I am impulsive, unpredictable and wild. I want to feel the emotion firsthand. Without regrets, without thinking about the consequences, without worries. I just want it to be raw and real.

Writing about this just made me realise something, I experience all of these things when I do spontaneous and unplanned thing. It made me also feel like I would have had a better time if I would gather the courage to go to Genting Highlang since it's already so near that night. If i were with Yeong Ren, I knew i would have done that. Nevertheless, anticipation is sweet! We shall go and do it one day Yeong Ren. We go stimming.

I just realised also, my blog is so syok sendiri. I write whatever I like. I just scribble. I guess it all boils down to you. If u wanna read what's going on in my head, go ahead. If you don't want to, just leave. What am I talking about? you already have the rights to do that and probably have done it. Silly to say such things...*smiles*

by Zephyr at 9:54 AM |